Ep. 2- FINDING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND HEALING
EPISODE 2- Finding Healthy Boundaries And Healing When Your Parent Has A Chronic Illness
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Growing up with a parent who has a chronic illness can be an isolating and challenging experience, shaping your relationships and emotional wellbeing in unexpected ways.
Join me as I open up about my own journey and share how you can make positive changes in your life, all while exploring the five most important components of a healthy relationship so you can transform struggle into stability.
Discover the liberating power of healthy relationship boundaries with The Healthy Relationship Toolkit and unlock a new level of joy and fulfillment in your connections with others.
The Healthy Relationship Toolkit:
https://programs.mrs-hard.com/healthyrelationshipstoolkit
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolme-Hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host. Thanks so much for dropping by and hanging out with me today. In the last episode, i shared my story and a bit about my journey And, as you will learn, i'm an open book No secrets here because when I had a lot of emotional and mental health challenges, i felt so much relief when I heard others open up and talk about what they were going through and what had happened to them in the past, especially when it wasn't perfect or what I expected. It helped me feel less alone and more connected. Also, in the last episode, i asked you to bring some awareness to what or who you may be struggling with in your relationships, because the first step to change is awareness. You can't change what you aren't aware of And you don't have to change everything at once. Let's say you want healthier boundaries in your relationship. When you focus on just changing that one thing, it will have a positive impact on your entire relationship. I also talked about the Healthy Relationships Toolkit. This toolkit is a free five-day coaching series full of my most favorite tools to create harmony with people who challenge you the most, whether it's family, a friend or a partner. In my experience, and what I've seen with others, is that when you ask yourself the right questions that highlight what is blocking you, what is keeping you from change, that's where the magic happens And you can see the root of your problem. So check out the Healthy Relationship Toolkit. The link will be in the show notes and you can find it at MrsHardcom. So today we are going to talk about challenging relationships with a sick parent or a family member. I have a lot of experience with this and it can be tough to navigate because you want the unwell person to feel cared for, but you also have to protect yourself and your own energy. Relationship health is a scale and it can ebb and flow depending on your season and life. During this session, check in with yourself. Does your relationship need a touch-up because you already have healthy boundaries, or does it need a complete overhaul because you are lacking in self-care and concerned that the sick person can't survive without you, wherever you're at? it's helpful to understand what defines a healthy relationship, but first I'm going to share some personal info with you about my relationship with my father. As I've said, i'm an open book and I've gained so much healing from listening to others share about their real, raw experiences, so that's why I'm willing to get vulnerable with you. I have a lot of experience with dysfunctional relationships. I wasn't always the best partner, daughter or friend. A lot of my relationship challenges stemmed from having a sick father. I didn't have healthy coping mechanisms. I didn't have tools to help me navigate challenging relationship situations. I didn't have healthy outlets. I used people, places and things to distract myself from my true feelings. I used to believe I would only find happiness once the people in my life were doing well and I felt like it was my responsibility to help the sick people in my life. I thought I needed to fix them. I also felt like I needed to be needed in relationships. I did not feel like it was enough for me to just be me and that that was acceptable, and so I have a long history of gravitating towards challenging and dysfunctional relationships. Luckily, today, all of my relationships are pretty healthy, and when challenges arise, i know how to deal with them because of my experience and because of the tools I've learned. So growing up with a sick dad was hard. I also didn't have any friends that had a sick parent in their life. So it felt very lonely and isolating And I blamed my dad's illness for why I made the decisions I did. I had a story and a narrative that if you had my life, you'd behave like I did, and it excused a lot of poor behavior. And my friends at the time signed off on that behavior because people felt bad for me. And that's the narrative that I really pushed. I wanted people to feel bad for me so that I didn't have to take responsibility, i didn't have to look at my feelings, i could play the victim and I could run from them and avoid them. And one of the more challenging events along this journey was when my father went into a nursing home for the first time. I did not agree with this decision And I actually went to the nursing home and took him home immediately And he was so happy that I did And he felt like I was his savior there to rescue him from the assisted living facility. That was a big mistake. I thought I could take care of him and I could handle it, that he didn't need to be there. I tried to be his full-time caregiver but I had a job that required me to work 30 to 40 hours a week and I wasn't able to give him the support he needed, and so he ended up going back to the nursing home And I didn't think he was ever going to leave. His doctors told our family that they didn't know how long he had to live, but they didn't think he had more than five years, and so every year I thought it was going to be my dad's last Christmas, his last birthday, and I was really focused on grief and the loss of my dad, even though he was still here and alive. And my dad has a history of being a bit mischievous. He loved to find control wherever he could, which was understandable because his life was really out of control. So I would get phone calls from the nursing home asking me where my father was. These were common and I'd call him up and I'd be like dad, where are you? And he would be at the drug store or running an errand. He would have left the nursing home, taken a cab wherever he wanted to go. He would also hide medication from the nurses and he had the secret stash of medication. I'll never forget one day when my dad called me and he said they're not giving me my medication, and I knew there was more to this story, so I went to the nursing home and I talked to the head nurse and I said my dad says that you're not giving him his medication. What's really going on here? And she said well, he's been storing it all and that's illegal. We can get in a lot of trouble if authorities come in and do room searches and find that he has this stash of medication. And he also had a history of overdosing on medication and it would take him to the hospital multiple times a week because he would forget that he had already taken his medication, then take it again and then pass out on the floor and my mom wouldn't be able to lift him And so then she'd have to call 9-1-1. And this was a very common occurrence. And so I went in and I'll never forget my dad was so upset. He was like they're not giving me my medication, they're not taking care of me, and I said I heard that you were stashing it all. And he tried to feed me some story about how he was able to do this or it wasn't true. And I said you can't manipulate the daughter of a manipulator. And he just started laughing and laughing because I got him. He knew he had been found out and it was true, but these were the kind of antics that my dad would play out on a regular basis And I discovered in our relationship. The more I expected of him to act in a sane way, the less healthy our relationship was. If I decided to visit him when I was tired or worn out, there was a very high probability that our visit wouldn't go well, because I couldn't depend on him to be stable or him to fulfill any of my needs. I had to come in with a full cup to be able to have a harmonious relationship with him, because he didn't have anything to give. He was a sick man and he still is a sick man today. My dad has been one of my greatest teachers. He's taught me a lot about boundaries and how to navigate challenging situations with the difficult people, because he's played that role in my life. Another extremely hard situation we faced was when he met a caregiver on Facebook. My dad is a very determined man. It is amazing how powerful his mind is And he was determined to get out of the nursing home. He lived there for six years and he was, i guess, looking for caretakers online, or he was looking for dates I'm honestly not sure which one And he met this woman who was willing to take him to doctor's appointments and move in with him, and they developed a plan of moving in together. And I'll never forget when my dad told me that his plan was to move in with this woman and she lived three hours away. I'd never met her before. I honestly didn't really want to meet her at the time. She's similar to his age and he was going to live there. He was going to leave the nursing home. I thought this was a horrible idea. My dad has memory problems. He doesn't remember what the past 10 years have looked like, and I was a prominent caregiver in his life At the time. I also had a ton of resentment towards him about him not being the father I wanted him to be. I was so terrified that him moving away would completely fall apart and the responsibility would fall on me, because I had been that person for a long time to pick up the pieces when things fall apart, and that was a role that I was used to playing in relationships. I had a mentor at the time that helped me navigate the situation, and her and I came up with a plan for me to practice detachment in a healthy way. I decided to stop all forms of communication with my dad for three months The first three months he was living with this new person And my brother agreed to take on responsibility if things were to fall apart. Because I just couldn't handle it. My home had recently burnt down in a wildfire and then my mom died a year before this, and so my emotional load was already so heavy I had absolutely no room for one more thing. Taking this break was the best thing that had ever happened to us. He moved in with his caregiver and he started to thrive, and he's lived there now for several years And he's become healthier. He's had MS for 35 years and the man is now becoming healthier. It's really a miracle. I thought my dad couldn't survive without me And it was a bit of an ego blow to see that he could. And not only did he survive, he was thriving. After the dust settled, it was relieving to let go of the care of my dad and responsibility. It helped bring about so much healing and I was able to accept him for who he is, instead of wanting him to be different because I was off the hook as being the caregiver. So since he's moved away and since we've had time and space to heal, our relationship has gotten healthier and healthier throughout the years, and I did talk to him again after three months and we talk regularly now. Sometimes when a person is in a caregiver role, they think there's no other option, that they have to be there day or night to serve the other person, and when you don't have boundaries like that, the relationship can be very depleting and it sucks all of the joy out of it. If you are in a situation like that and you feel hopeless, i really challenge you to see how you can take care of yourself first, how you can meet your needs before you show up to see that other person, because if you show up depleted, you're more likely to be vulnerable and be hurt by the other person and you're more likely to perpetuate patterns that are really creating dysfunction in your relationship. This is no easy task, but, like I've said before, the first step is awareness, so just create some awareness around it for now. Now that you've heard about my past in my relationship with my father, let's talk about the important components of a peaceful relationship and how to navigate these areas with a challenging person. First up is communication. Good communication means you can express your thoughts and opinions freely, you enjoy talking to the person and you have mutual respect and understanding. Healthy communication is the most important ingredient in any relationship because it helps uphold the other parts that make a relationship meaningful and lasting. Poor communication and not understanding one another is why most people disagree and fight. My father and I had healthy communication when I was younger, but things went south when he moved into the nursing home because his focus was solely on getting out of there, which was totally understandable, but my family did not have the financial resources to provide another option. When I would visit him, which for a long time was every other day or every two days, I would try to shift the focus to old memories or positive conversations that did not encourage conversations about him leaving. He wasn't willing to accept that he would be there for the foreseeable future and I thought he was going to be there forever. But sometimes it was hard if I was depleted when visiting him or when he was having a bad day. I had to be careful what I talked about, and I find that to be true with most relationships with sick people, whether the person has an illness like multiple sclerosis or is an alcoholic. When someone isn't well, you can't expect them to behave in a reliable way. My dad has memory issues and he creates stories that he thinks are true but haven't actually happened. When I would try to bring reality to the situation, it would confuse him or upset him, so most of the time I would smile and nod and just go along with whatever he believed to be true. He goes in and out of being more or less in touch with reality. So in my experience, it's best to have some boundaries about what I share with him and in this way I don't set myself up to be hurt. Focusing on what's positive and creating boundaries about what you share is how you can navigate away from hurtful conversations. Today, like I said, my father and I have meaningful, joyful conversations 90% of the time, because I only visit him when I don't need anything, and I've done a lot of work to accept him as the person he is instead of wishing he was different. When you really accept somebody as who they are right now, big things shift and it can be a process to get there. For me, it felt like he could subconsciously feel that I wasn't upset with him or his situation any longer once I came to a place of acceptance And this is a perfect segue into boundaries. Boundaries respect a person's opinions. They respect their physical, emotional and mental limits. I practice healthy boundaries with my dad and he is able to respect my boundaries most of the time. When he veers off track, i communicate my boundary to him. For example, he used to send me emails about my mother after she had passed away and he would talk about how she had been sick with cancer long before her actual diagnosis And he would make up stories about events that had not really happened. For a long time my boundary with his emails was that I did not read them. I have also worked with others who have been in similar situations and they ve done the same thing. They just don't read the emails if they re completely untrue and hurtful, because reading them has no positive impact on your relationship. But there was a point in which I did not want to receive these emails any longer because I found myself sometimes reading these emails when I was depleted to validate how challenging my situation with him was. So I had a very stern talk with him and I told him he needed to stop sending me these emails, and he stopped. He hasn't sent an email like that to me in several years and our relationship has been better because of it. I also screened my phone calls. If a challenging person is calling me, i sometimes let that person leave a voicemail and wait until I feel like I am in a healthy place to respond. Like I said, i also don't share vulnerable information with my dad or other challenging people, And when you create this kind of structure, it's easy to feel safe and go with the flow, and these actions support a peaceful relationship. Next up is trust. You may not be able to fully trust the sick person, but when you adjust your boundaries and expectations along with caring for yourself, you can find stability in most challenging relationships. It's hard to not be able to trust the sick person close to you, especially if they're your parent. You wish you could trust them, but this is an opportunity for you to find trust in something greater than yourself. I have learned to shift my perspective about my father. He has been my greatest teacher. He has inspired the work I do today. It wasn't until I detached and accepted him as who he was that I was able to really heal what was going on with me and walk through my internal issues. I know he was put in my life for a reason. He's made me stronger. I also trust that he has a higher power and a life path that I'm not in control of. He's proven that to me. He moved out of a nursing home after living there for six years and turned his life around where he is thriving now. He still has memory issues, he still has issues walking and he couldn't live alone, but he is a lot happier than he's been in years. And that all came from the decision to detach, which was really scary at the time. And I have a connection with a higher power. Even in hard times when I don't know what to do, i lean into that relationship and trust something greater than myself. That helps me let go of control. Not relying solely on others or one person has created more harmony in my life, and that doesn't mean don't trust the people around you, but choose who you are going to trust and trust something outside of humans in general. Let's talk about the fourth relationship ingredient forgiveness. This is a big one. I'm not only talking about forgiveness of other people, but also to forgive yourself. There have been times when I've blamed my father and his illness for what has gone wrong in my life. Forgiving him was a process, and the root of forgiveness was acceptance. There's that word again acceptance. I had to accept him as Him being who he was. He's just a human with a crappy set of circumstances trying to do his best. I had to let him off the hook For so long. I wanted him to be different than who he was and not fuel dysfunction in our relationship. I also had to forgive myself for not showing up as the person I wanted to be. I had to accept responsibility for the hurt I had caused, which came from wanting him to be or act differently than he was. I was not always a joy to be around because I was so focused on the hardships in the situation instead of enjoying my dad for who he was in the moment and just being there instead of needing to fix him or his situation. There is one more component to a more balanced relationship, and that is support. It's important to not call on your relationships only when you need them, but to show up for your relationships consistently. Support during hard times is so healing and allows challenging situations to bring people closer together, if you have ever lived in a community that has experienced a large natural disaster, the community becomes closer afterwards, which is a gift from the horrible experience. You want people in your life who support your hopes and dreams. I'm very grateful for my husband because I have had some very ambitious and impulsive ideas over the years, but he's never told me you can't do that, it's too hard, it's a waste of time. He has always smiled and supported me along my journey. My father hasn't always been able to be the support I needed, but I have found other friends who are older to fill the void I've felt from not having a mother or a healthy father. These chosen people are so awesome. I have one friend whose daughter is estranged from her and I became very close to her after my mother passed. We get coffee together, we go to breakfast regularly and she gives me so much support and advice. She fills in as a mom on Mother's Day, but she also gives me a ton of quote unquote dad advice, like money advice and business advice. And I'm very close with my husband's family. His parents are so sweet and caring. I love it when his dad helps me with my car or treats me like one of his own kids, and for a long time, i just focused on what was lacking in my life, that I didn't have the parents I wanted, and this blocked me from seeing the abundance of love and possibility in my life. Today, i have a huge support system because I've let others in instead of being guarded, and I've learned to practice healthy communication, boundaries, trust, forgiveness and to receive support. If you have a sick or challenging family member, remember you are not alone. Check in with yourself and see if there's an area in your relationship that needs some work. Give yourself permission to put your needs first so you can show up as your full self in hard situations. You can't control others, but you can change and heal yourself, no matter what the other people are doing in your life, and it doesn't mean you have to cut them off to find peace. If you have any questions, you can find me on Instagram, at MrsHard underscore times no more or on my website at MrsHardcom. That's MRS-Hardcom. Well, that's all I've got for today. Thanks for joining me and I look forward to talking with you next week. Take care.