Ep. 27- What Is Your Anxiety Telling You?

EPISODE 27-

What Is Your Anxiety Telling You? 

LISTEN NOW

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Do you ever struggle with that uncomfortable feeling—the kind that refuses to let you take a relaxing deep breath?

This week on The Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast, we're diving into a topic that affects more than 20% of people in the U.S.: Anxiety.

Your Inner Ecosystem: Anxiety is a symptom on the surface of something much deeper. Find out why anxiety sticks around and how you can embark on the journey to lasting relief because, trust me, I’ve been there.

In this episode, I open up about my journey with anxiety, sharing personal experiences, strategies, and the importance of internal work.

We’ll also talk about…

>>> Understanding the message behind your anxiety.

>>> The secret to creating a non-anxious life.

>>> Where to focus your energy to create the right conditions for healing.

From healing emotional wounds to finding peace within, we cover it all.

Remember, you're not alone on this journey. Many have found peace and a deeper connection with themselves through these practices.

Say "Hi" on Instagram: @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Or on FaceBook 

Don't let anxiety control you any longer. Take the first step towards a joyful life without fear. Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief

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Full Transcript:

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the hard times no more relationship podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host and relationship coach. I'm super excited to be back here today on the podcast. I know it's been a couple of weeks and I want to wish you a happy new year. I hope you enjoyed your holiday season, that it was filled with more joy than stress, and I am so grateful for the past couple of weeks. I had the best Christmas ever and I'm not saying that just to say it. It really was. My family and I, my husband's parents and his sisters went to the snow. There wasn't very much snow because it's been raining lately, but we went to the mountains and it was beautiful and it was a time where we unplugged and we spent time together and we laughed and made a lot of memories. And my best childhood friend was visiting her mom she lives in New York and her mom lives in the mountains and then her whole family was there and her family is like my second family. So I felt ultra spoiled because I had two of my favorite families there, two of my chosen families. I think chosen families are sometimes just as good, if not better, than your blood related families. I feel so, so lucky to have spent that time with everyone. It was really deeply fulfilling and restorative and it helped me have a little reset, which is a great thing to have before the new year, and that's going to lead into what we're talking about today, because by the time you're listening to this, it's after January 1st, so you may have set some goals for the year you may have had some new year's resolutions. Maybe you looked back on last year and took a moment to soak in what you've accomplished. Hopefully you were excited about what you've accomplished and that you're celebrating what you've accomplished. But maybe there were some goals that you set out to accomplish and you weren't able to follow through with them. And that's what we're going to talk about today your goals, how to succeed, why we fail, why we give up, and the deeper meaning behind them, because it's not just about the goals and we're going to talk about how to find true fulfillment and freedom along your life-changing journey. If you are like me, there have been many times when I set out to make a change in my life. Maybe it was a physical change, something for my body or my health, or maybe it was a relationship change, because I kept on getting into the same fight over and over again with my partner or my parent was really stressing me out, and in the beginning I would have a lot of momentum, a lot of clarity as to why I wanted to make this change, a lot of excitement towards it, and then I would give up, maybe a month in, two months in, because it became hard or I didn't have enough time and I lost that spark, and the voices in my head would win. They would tell me you better quit now because you're going to fail or it's not worth it. And it's easy to start out strong when we have a goal or something we want to accomplish, because we have that energy, we have that momentum, we have that clean slate that we get during the new year where anything's possible. But then we give up. Why is it that we give up? And when we give up too often, it affects our relationship with ourself, it affects our ability to connect and trust ourselves, it hurts our self-esteem. It makes us less likely to put ourselves out there to try to accomplish another goal in the future. Because we see that we didn't accomplish what we wanted to in the past and we take it very personally. We think there's something wrong with us and we think we might as well just give up because we're going to fail anyways. But on the flip side, when we have a winning streak, when we set and accomplish our goals often and we learn certain tools and the deeper meaning behind our goals, that builds our self-confidence, that builds our relationship with ourself and that also helps us through life challenges, because when we set out to accomplish something, it's not just about the destination, it's about the journey along the way and I know you've heard that before. But the process of trying to make a change in our life has the power to give us so many gifts and insights and deeper connection with ourselves, with other people, more fulfillment in our lives and reduce anxiety and stress all around. Because we don't realize that when something is really weighing on us, when something is really bothering us, when we have that desire to really make a change, when we change that one thing, like I said, whether it's physical or it's internal, it changes the rest of our life. So going after a goal, making a big change, is more than just what's on the surface. We're going to get into that today. So first I want to talk about change. Do you know that real change is 80% internal, 80% mental and 20% external, 20% action actually doing something. Why is this? It's because our actions follow our thoughts. We rarely have an action without first having a thought about it, and this is part of the reason why we lose steam, because when we set out to accomplish goals or make a big change in our life, in the beginning we're using a lot of willpower. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you're using a lot of willpower to resist cookies, to resist dessert, to resist indulging in comfort food, especially when you're stressed and you find yourself a couple weeks later just giving in. And sometimes it's a couple days later because life is busy, life is stressful, and you're just focused on the external and you're using willpower to overcome the pathways you've created in your brain on a neurological level that tell you to reach for the comfort food when you're in stress. That's an example of how this plays out. This also plays out in relationships, when we focus on the external. Let's say you have a challenging relationship with your mother and when you visit your mother, she triggers you and you go to the visit and you're like okay, today I'm not going to be triggered, today my cup is full, today I'm going to be a joy to be around, I'm going to be compassionate. And then she says that thing, that thing that always drives you crazy when you snap and you get upset at yourself because you snapped. You know she's old, she's sick, she isn't going to change. You have to be the one that changes, but you just don't know how to do it. That's also a way of trying to just focus on the external, your reaction, instead of really getting to the root, the internal, which is more the thought process why you're upset, why you may be resentful, even though you don't want to admit that you are, because you have a bunch of reasons why you shouldn't be or why you should just accept the way she is. So real change is 80% of that deeper mental work. The 20% external is just the tip of the iceberg, just hanging out on the top of the ocean. I imagine those pictures of like Alaska where they have the glaciers and it's just like the 20% is up above the water and then the 80% is down below. If we don't address what's beneath the surface, the external will not change and it will be so much harder because our actions follow our thoughts and our thoughts come from our internal beliefs, our internal coping mechanisms. And this brings me to the deeper reason why we fail. When we have a certain pattern or something we're doing in our life, it is usually because of past experiences. We had an experience in the past that made us uncomfortable, not feel safe, or something went wrong To protect us. Our body and our mind created certain patterns, certain behaviors. We all have these and they're hard to change because, even if we don't like them, they keep us safe quote unquote, safe. And when we make a change in our life, you can guarantee that your ego, or your internal saboteur it feels like, will pipe up and it will become really loud, because this part of you is trying to protect you, even if it's something you don't like to do. You know, like you don't like how you get upset at your mother or you don't like how you reach for the cookies after a stressful day or when you're bored. These are hardwired coping mechanisms from the past and if you don't address those past things, you're just running on willpower to make a change. Another way this shows up is through fear. You feel like if you make a change in your relationship, like you start speaking up for yourself more, you're going to rock the boat, you're going to make other people unhappy. Any question whether it's even worth it. You have a fear of making a change. When we set goals, sometimes we have a fear of failure and we end up sabotaging ourself or giving up because of that fear of failure, and this causes us to quit instead of persevering to accomplish our goal, because it's uncomfortable. And when you make a change in your life especially if it's a bigger change or a very hardwired pattern or behavior that you've had for a long time, it's going to be uncomfortable and there's certain degrees of discomfort in life. You know there's the kind of discomfort that is a signal that we need to not do the thing. Like, for example, if you put your hand on a hot stove, there's a lot of discomfort and that's a signal to your body to not do that. And then there's discomfort that comes with change and that discomfort isn't bad. It's actually good because it is telling you that you are doing something different. You are rewiring your brain and your neurological pathways so that the new thing that you're trying to do becomes the normal for you. And there is a period of time it's usually short, relatively, you know like a couple of days, a couple of weeks. In the long run, that's a short amount of time in which doing the new thing is uncomfortable. This is a transient discomfort and this is a sign of change and growth. Think about it like when you start a new workout at the gym your muscles are sore. When you start to lift weights, when you start to do movements you haven't done in a while not when you do a HIIT class after not working out for a long time and you tweak your back or you pull a hamstring, but like the mild soreness that shows us that, oh, our body is breaking down muscle to build more muscle. This is the same thing that happens with any change. So I think it's a great thing to talk about, because when we expect discomfort, it doesn't throw us off our game. You know. It's like oh, there is discomfort that means I'm really changing. Hmm, is this discomfort healthy for me right now? Is it okay? And you can't just sit in the discomfort. In my experience, if you're taking something away, if you're making a change, you need to replace it with something else, because we create a void when we take away a coping mechanism or something that served us for a long time, certain behavior, a certain pattern. When we take that away, it affects our entire internal system and our internal system has a little freak out like, hey, I used to use this, even if you don't like it, or if it's not healthy or whatever. So you have to replace it with something else, and that something else is going to be unique to your situation. For example, if you're trying to eat less sugar or less cookies, you can replace it with fruit, or you can eat more protein. You know I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not giving you nutrition advice. We're just using this as an easy example. If you're trying to change the behavior in your relationship, you're gonna have to replace it with something else, and sometimes that something else is phoning a friend, so that when you're triggered you can take a moment, step away, and I suggest talking on the phone instead of texting, and you talk it out with a friend who knows what you're going through. Or, even better, you take time to write about it before and after. And same thing with the food thing. If you're replacing it with fruit or more protein, I still highly suggest that you do the writing around it, because when we reach for something that isn't best for us, it usually is because we feel uncomfortable. And if we address why we feel that discomfort and kind of talk to that part of ourself become curious about it. You know, like why are we feeling this need right now? Why do we have fear that if we don't do the thing that we're not gonna feel good? Or everything's just too much and I just need a break. You know, whatever narrative is going on in our mind, we need to address that narrative, we need to address the mind, we need to address the feeling behind all of that and, like I've talked about before, I'm not a big fan of rant writing, where you just kind of dump all your emotional stuff into your journal. I think that serves a purpose and it is relieving for a period of time. But I think it's way more helpful to focus on constructive journaling and that's asking a lot of why? Questions. Why do I feel this way? What am I feeling? What does this part of me actually need? Because the cookie or the dessert is a symbol of something much deeper. One of the teachers I had a long time ago would share about how dessert at the end of the night actually had more to do with unfulfilled feelings or needs than it was about just having ice cream, and I loved how she used to say that people would reach for more sweets during hard times, because when life is bitter you want something sweet. And it doesn't mean that it's bad to eat sweets when life is challenging. I definitely eat sweets when life is challenging, but if you're set out to make a lifestyle change and feel healthier in your body, but you keep on sabotaging yourself and that makes you feel not good about yourself, then it's worth looking at. That's what I'm talking about if it's making you feel not good. Same thing with relationships. If you keep on wanting to be more calm, patient, present around your loved one and you're not having the experience you desire, it's worth writing about. It's worth getting to those deeper reasons why you're feeling that way. So, like I said, ask a lot of why questions. Ask yourself what this part of yourself needs. Imagine it as a persona, as a personality. Ask it what it's afraid of and, just to let you in a little secret, it's most likely showing up to protect you. So thank it for protecting you. And then you can make your shift and say thank you for protecting me in this way, but now I'm going to explore other options and see what comes up, see what other way you could support yourself, and that's where you're going to find your thing to replace the behavior or the pattern that you don't want to do with. When I work with people one-on-one, we take a deep dive into these kinds of questions, because when we address that 80% big things happen, and they don't just happen with that one topic, behavior, pattern, goal that the person is focused on. When we make that change in this one area, wherever the universe is calling us to focus, it ripples into the rest of our life. I like to think of goals or making changes as, like the universe dangling a carrot in front of us, and the carrot is representing what you want, your deepest desires, the excitement that you'll feel when this change happens, the freedom you'll feel when this change happens, whatever's moving you to pursue this. And we shift, we change, we move to follow that carrot, and that is the journey. The journey is the most important part. You may have heard this before. You may have thought that's a nice idea, it may be good for you, but I don't think it's good for me. But trust me when I say the journey is the most important part. I can tell you from personal experience I was desperate to stop drinking because I had a problem with alcoholism. And when I followed that carrot, when I chose that path and I did a lot of internal work, I mean the most amount of internal work I've ever done around anything around drinking, because you know spoiler alert it wasn't about the drinking. It was about that 80% beneath the surface. When I changed that, my life changed because I was willing to address those deeper things, those deeper issues, and that journey brought me so much fulfillment, so much anxiety relief Like I lived with so much anxiety every single moment of every single day. I had panic attacks, I had all kinds of things happen and what I found was a deeper level of freedom than I could have ever imagined. And it was because I was following that one thing. And the whole journey, the whole process, wasn't about the alcoholism, it was about everything below it. Same thing when my house burnt down, when my mom passed away, trying to heal those different things, understand those different things, took me on a journey that was beyond my wildest dreams and brought me to where I am today, in which my ability to handle life on life's terms, whatever life throws my way, becomes far greater every single year, every single month that I practice, the tools that I use, and then the things that happen to you in life become like your exercises at the gym they help you level up and they no longer floor you, they no longer make it so that you feel overwhelmed, completely stressed out and out of control. Because every time you make a decision to follow that carrot, to pursue that goal, that dream, to make that change, you have an opportunity to learn something new, to practice something new, to get better in one area of your life. And when you do that, when you heal one area, when you become stronger in one area, when you become more empowered in one area, it affects your entire system and it makes it so that other things that used to bother you don't bother you as much anymore, and you didn't even realize they were bothering you. We get so focused on the destination, in the destination, we think we'll be great once we get there. But really it's like a one-day high, you know, like, oh yay, I made it On to the next thing, because that's just how our mind works, that's just the human experience. You know, it's not a bad thing, it's just part of life. But if we're only focused on the destination, you know like once I get the job, then I'll be happy. Once I lose the weight or eat a certain way, then I'll be happy. Once my relationship is calm, then I'll be happy. Once my mother stops stressing me out, then I'll be happy. All of those things can happen. But if we don't do the internal work, we will not be fulfilled by them. And when we do the internal work, that's when we really say yes to the journey instead of just the destination, and that's how we build a fulfilling life honestly. And then back to setting goals or making big changes in your life. Welcome flexibility, because you have a different perspective from where you are sitting right now and there is nothing wrong with that perspective. But sometimes, when we start going down the path and we start making changes, we find out that what we thought we wanted wasn't really what was best for us or what we did want, especially when we gain deeper insights. So it's okay to make a change. It's okay to truly decide that what I thought I wanted isn't actually right for me, because your perspective changes as you move. You find yourself in a different place, a new place, and that is different than giving up. That is different than throwing in the towel and saying I don't have the time, I don't have the money, this is too stressful, this is too hard, I'm gonna just give up anyway. When we follow that tension, that narrative, it can hurt our self-esteem, it can make it so that we're not gonna try to do something big, to make a change, to set a goal in the future. But when we decide along our journey that we need to make a change, need to become more flexible, need to pivot, that is an okay thing, because usually that comes from a different perspective, one we didn't have when we started our journey. So be flexible with yourself. Don't be too rigid, like, oh, I set out to do this thing and I definitely have to do this thing Once again. Writing would really help with that, in sitting with yourself, in meditation or just sitting with yourself and seeing what comes up, taking a quiet moment, because if you write about it, you'll become very clear on the motive behind it. Is the motive fear, or is it love? Love is the voice that is telling you you know you have a different perspective. Now life has changed, things have shifted. It's time to shift our destination. Fear is that critical voice, that voice that's saying you might as well give up now and then last. Celebrate your wins, celebrate how far you've come, because from where you stand right now, you have already come so far. The fact that you're listening to this episode, that the universe attracted you to this episode, the fact that you may be resonating with what I'm saying means that you're ready for this, and it also means that you've done some work and if you're human which I'm sure you are, you've experienced some hard things and you have already learned a lot of life lessons. You've accomplished goals. You've set out to do things that you didn't think you could do and you did them, and it's so easy to just blow right past them. Instead, I want you to take a moment right now to set up a time to celebrate your wins. Celebrating your wins will build yourself esteem. It'll build your self confidence. It'll help you keep up your momentum when things are hard or you're trying something new or you're deciding to make a change that feels scary or big. You'll remember your wins so much more clearly because you took intentional time to celebrate them, to congratulate yourself, and that helps us become more connected with ourself and rely on ourself for approval rather than seeking it externally. So, to recap, the how of following through with changes and goals is to focus on that 80% internal instead of the 20% external. It's too expect to be uncomfortable at times. That discomfort is not bad and it's not a sign that you're doing something wrong or that you should stop, as long as it's the good kind of discomfort, the temporary, the transient, and your mind is gonna try to talk you out of it. Your mind is gonna try to bring up fear and all the reasons why you should just give up. And that is a signal to take some time to do the internal work, to write, to sit with yourself, to meditate, to really connect with yourself. That is how you lean into the discomfort instead of trying to push it away. Because our actions follow our mind and we have to get right with ourself. We have to get right with our minds to make the changes we want to experience in life, to create a fulfilling life, a life full of freedom, to stop fighting ourselves, because, if you are like me, there are times in my life where I felt like I'm fighting myself and it's so much easier to deal with life on life's terms, to roll with the punches whatever happens, because life is gonna keep life in it up when I'm at peace internally or have a level of peace internally. It doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to be zen all the time with yourself, but the more that you connect with yourself, the more that you lean into the discomfort that comes up, by questioning it, by writing about it, by taking time with yourself, the more smoothly things externally will go and it will surprise you. I promise you, I promise, promise, promise. This is where the magic happens and, like I said before, to recap, when you take something away, you have to replace it with something else. There is a void there when you take it away and it's gonna be really hard to just muscle through that void, because it was a coping mechanism and you're gonna find the something else you need to replace it with through your writing and meditation or sitting with yourself. I know some people don't like the word meditation because they think they have to clear their mind and be calm and not have any thoughts, and in my experience that's not what meditation is. Meditation is going within, it's noticing what comes up and it's just taking that time to sit with yourself and then enjoy the journey. Remember the carrot. Whatever your carrot is, whether it's to feel healthier in your body, whether it's to have a healthier relationship with your partner or your parent or your in-law or your grandparent, whoever it is, enjoy the journey, be present for the journey. So easy to focus on the destination, but that's not where the magic happens, it feels good when you get there. You should definitely celebrate when you get to a destination and like for internal growth. I think the destinations look like phases and you can know if you've shown up at your destination, if you have a positive experience with the person who used to trigger you, or they say something that used to trigger you in the past and you're able to let it roll off your shoulder or even laugh at it. If you find yourself laughing at it, really dance around and celebrate that afterwards and welcome flexibility. I know I went a little out of order there, but welcome flexibility Because when you say yes to this journey, it's going to take you to unexpected places and places that are different from where you are sitting right now, and when you're connected with yourself, you'll know when it's time to pivot, when it's time to make a subtle change or maybe even a big change, because you had an aha moment and now you see things differently. So stay flexible, don't be too rigid, and now it's time to take action. So whatever is bothering you is the carrot that we talked about, and the universe is calling you to make a change so that you can experience more fulfillment, feel more freedom and less stress. There is a simple process that I take clients through. I call it my playbook for life. The steps in the process that I share Can be applied to multiple different areas of your life. It helps with life challenges, relationship problems, like I said, those ongoing challenges with your mother, and it will transform that stress, those triggers, into genuine compassion, relationships. That trigger you can change and the best part is that the other person Doesn't have to go to counseling or change themselves. I know this sounds too good to be true. I personally have experienced this. I had a really rough relationship with my father, especially after my mom died, and I had a ton of resentment towards him. I wasn't able to spend time with him without getting upset and this affected so many areas of my life. It affected my financial security, it affected my relationship with my partner, it affected my work and I didn't think change was possible because there was no reality in which I could see my father changing. So I sought help because I needed someone else to guide me. I was too in it to get clarity on where my energy should be going, because when you're in it, it's really hard to see where you need to make a change. You know you need to make a change, but it's hard to see that area that's really going to move the needle. And today, when I visit my father I saw him on December 14th for his birthday. We laugh together, we make jokes, we have a lot of fun when we spend time together and rarely do we fight or have a conflict anymore, which is I. If you had told me that a couple years ago, I wouldn't have believed you. I swear I did not think that was possible Because there was so much baggage. And I see this same kind of transformation with other people I work with, because the process is simple, it's straightforward and we go through it together. And working with someone who's been there, who's been through life challenges, who's been through really big relationship challenges, they get you Because when you've had those life challenges, when you've had those relationship challenges, it's like you're part of a club. Welcome to the club that you don't really want to be a part of, because To be a part of this club means that you've been through some hard things, but you don't have to go through it alone, and I love the saying if you want what they have, you got to do what they do. So that's what I show people how to do, what I do and what others have shown me to do. And when thinking about Working on the challenge, the relationship, whatever you're going through, your mind may tell you that you're too busy, you don't have enough time, but the thing we don't realize is how much time and energy these life challenges and these relationship challenges are taking up in our life. Think about it when you spend time with the person who's triggering you. When you have a bad day and you just feel like your world is crumbling because you haven't addressed certain life challenges that are still weighing on your shoulders, you feel exhausted, your energy Leaves you and it prevents you from being productive for the rest of your day Because you have a hangover from your stressful experience with the challenging person. Or Think about all the time you spend talking to your significant other about your problems, your friends about your problems, and letting the problems you have take up space in your mind, instead of feeling lighter and stress-free, where that space and that energy can be focused on what really lights you up, what brings you joy, the experiences that will move you towards the life you really want. You are losing time by not spending time in the solution and, like I touched on earlier, when we work through our life challenges or our relationship problems, so many doors open up, so many new opportunities present themselves that we had no idea we're even possible, or hanging out in the background Waiting for us to be ready. Because when we have ongoing conflict or ongoing challenges or hard feelings with someone in our lives, it affects our overall anxiety and it can affect our ability to connect with others, to connect with ourselves and to focus on what really brings us joy. So in the show notes I'm including a link for a free one hour one-on-one session through January 10th. Bring whatever you are struggling with to your session. We will get to the heart of your challenge and I'll give you insights about your personal situation. I'll also send you a recording of our session so that you can refer to the tools that we discuss at any time. You don't have to even bring a pen and paper, and this work isn't just deep, it's also really fun. I love how one of my clients, in her testimonial, said that one minute we would be talking about something really intense and then the next minute we'd be laughing. I Truly believe that there's so many things that you can learn to laugh at, and that this work Isn't just serious, it isn't just heavy. It actually can be a lot of fun, along with doing the deep internal work. Both things can happen, and I experienced that with clients all the time. All right, I Wish you so much success in the goals that you are setting out to accomplish and I'm excited for you. This is a new year. It's gonna have its good times, it's gonna have its life lessons, and it's also a A clean slate. There are so many possibilities, which is so exciting. I love possibilities. All right, this is Mrs Hard signing off. Till next time, take care.