Ep. 4- Relieve Anxiety In Your Relationships With This One Simple Tool
EPISODE 4- Relieve Anxiety In Your Relationships With This One Simple Tool
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Are you feeling like you're stuck on a rocky boat, struggling to navigate the stormy seas of difficult relationships? You're not alone.
This episode is all about unearthing the strategies that will bring peace to your turbulent relationships. This week I'll be sharing my personal journey and the tools that transformed my challenges into treasures. You'll learn to be the captain of your relationships- steering away from challenging interactions.
Together, we'll uncover how to avoid the landmines of triggering topics and focus on the positives. You'll learn to detach from people who drain your energy yet remain present and compassionate. To wrap things up, I'll introduce you to The Healthy Relationship Toolkit, a treasure trove of tools to heal, rebuild, and foster harmonious relationships. So, if you're ready to wave goodbye to hard times and sail towards a life of healthy, meaningful connections, join me on this transformative journey.
https://programs.mrs-hard.com/healthyrelationshipstoolkit
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Full Transcript:
Speaker 1: 0:00
Are you ready to change the way you navigate difficult relationships? Today, we'll discuss the power of a very effective tool to help you approach conversations differently, set kind and loving boundaries, all while taking care of yourself, so you can have the energy you need to handle challenging family members in a whole new way. Let's dive in.
Hi, I'm Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, aka Mrs. Hard, and this is Hard Times No More a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire And those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Welcome back to the Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast. I'm Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, aka Mrs. Hard, your host. Today we're going to talk about a very helpful tool that you can use when dealing with challenging people, and I know you've heard me talk about tools in previous episodes and just to get us all on the same page, I'm going to explain what a tool is. The Oxford Dictionary definition of a tool is a device or implement used to carry out a particular function. Now, wellness tools are things you can do when you're feeling unwell, things that are enjoyable, that help you feel better. What are these tools? They're plans, strategies, self-care, taking a bath, meditating, reaching out for help when you're in crisis. They are things you do, actions you take to help you feel better and support you through your life, and with the right tools, you can shift the status quo, you can undo old patterns and you can create peace and harmony in chaotic relationships. You may have someone in your life that you have to spend time with, but you totally dread it because they are draining, negative and crude, but you want to have the best interaction with them possible. You want to not need to double your anxiety meds or give yourself a personal pep talk before you talk to or see this person, and I know if someone gave you a silver bullet or we could call it a magic bullet solution to change your circumstances, to heal the other person, to fix the situation, to make them more open, make them want to take care of themselves and be interested in your life and your needs, you would use it in two seconds. But what if I told you that this magic bullet exists, but it's not what you think it is? I've worked with many people over the years who've had family members that aren't able to give anything to the relationship. They struggle with mental health issues, addiction, some of them are narcissists or they just never grew up, and they cause a lot of friction in the lives of their loved ones Because, a You can't trust them and, b You get triggered by their behavior. When interacting with people like this, you have to be the captain of your relationship. Think of it like a pirate ship or an ocean bound ship. You have to steer where this relationship goes so it doesn't crash. You can't leave the direction of this relationship up to the other person. You have to go in with a plan, and a plan is a tool, and that's what we're going to talk about today Having a plan. Never underestimate the power of a good plan. Think of it like a roadmap or, in this case, a sailing map. We're going to go with a nautical theme here today. Let's say you're sailing to a new land and there are some areas you want to avoid because they're known to have storms and rough tides. You'll need a crew and a map. So step one of getting ready for this voyage Before we talk about what to do with the other person, check in with yourself first. Let's say you just finished your work week. You're exhausted and your weekend is full of chores Grocery, shopping, house cleaning, laundry, whole bunch of things like that because you had zero time during your work week. And on your weekend schedule is to get together with your family, and seeing your family isn't easy. You are already in depletion mode, so what are you going to do to turn that around? before you see your family? Let me warn you There is a voice in your head that will tell you that doing something for yourself is impossible. It will say you don't have the time. You have 50 other things that need to get done, and this voice ramps up especially when you're tired and depleted. But it isn't true. You need to not listen to this voice and you also need to let go of everything needing to be perfect. If you want to have a successful weekend meaning arriving to Monday not in need of another weekend you need to shift your priorities. So what are one or two things you could do to fill your cup? What would you do if you didn't have all of these chores and things that you felt like needed to get done? Would you make time to work out? Would you go on a hike or a walk? Would you get a pedicure And let me remind you, getting a pedicure takes 45 minutes max. One of my clients feels like a whole new person after he visits his barber and gets a haircut. What would you do if you had all of the time in your weekend to yourself? Make one or two things and make that action a priority, because if it doesn't become a priority, your to-do list will take over and the voice in your mind will win And you'll wake up on Monday needing another weekend, let alone going into a family situation that may be triggering, feeling depleted, and that's a recipe for disaster. And let's dig into why going into a family situation that's challenging is not a great idea, because if you have nothing left and you're entering a situation where you need to be alert to your feelings, in your emotional indicators. You are in need. You are needy and you are in need of energy, love, affection, comfort, assurance In your entering an unstable situation where receiving those things is highly unlikely. And when you feel good, it's more likely that you'll have more patience for the other person, that if they say something off the wall, you can let it roll off your shoulders. There's more opportunity for success or a different experience with the challenging person if you aren't depleted. So, like I said, first thing, do something to restore your energy before you go into a challenging situation with a family member And ideally plan something to do afterwards, either after the visit or the next day, to restore whatever was depleted. So back to the voyage metaphor. Think of this as preparing for a trip to Newfoundland, and Newfoundland is a neutral or positive outcome visiting with a family member that triggers you and waking up on Monday feeling good. Next, it's time to build your plan. We are building your map. Your plan needs a set time commitment. Can you commit to two hours with the person? three hours with the person Is that too much? Is it just one hour. Make a plan to arrive at a certain time and leave at a certain time, and if you have trouble exiting the situation, make a coffee date with your friend afterwards so that there's a time you have to leave. Or if it's an evening event that you're going to with a family member, say that you have to go to bed early. Be realistic with how much time you can spend. Think about how much time you would be open to spending, not what makes others happy. Now, as a good captain, you need to steer clear of the storms along your voyage. The storms are the triggering topics. For example, if the person likes to criticize you or is passive, aggressive, what are some positive things you can focus on that can steer away from these trigger points? Are there past memories that bring you joy and laughter? Does this person have a hobby they like to talk about? Maybe you can ask the person about a certain era in their life that they enjoy talking about. And if you know, without a doubt, that this situation's gonna be tricky and you're gonna hit some storms, it's unavoidable how can you protect yourself? How can you create a mental separation between you and them? Can you access the feeling of compassion for them. If they are super miserable on the outside, think about what their inner world must be like. Can you acknowledge that their yuckiness is a product of something that has nothing to do with you? For example, one of my clients has a really mean grandmother. She is critical of her weight. She has no filter and my client has a responsibility to take her grocery shopping once a week and make her food. How does she get through this situation? It helps her to remember that her grandmother's mother was super mean way more mean than her grandmother And deep down her grandmother is really insecure about her own weight and her looks. She knows that her grandmother will never change. She's too far gone. So instead she focuses on the fact that maybe she is the only nice person her grandmother will interact with that day And even though this sounds sad, it makes it so that she doesn't feel like she has to fix her grandma or take anything she says personally. Unfortunately, humans just project whatever they're going through on other humans, especially if they're not very conscious and they've never done internal self-inquiry and tried to become a better person. I like to think about it on a physiological level, like they have neural pathways that are set in a certain route and they just keep on running the same loop over and over again. On a physiological level, they are literally stuck being who they are And they don't have the insight or the interest in breaking out of these patterns, because they don't understand that they're even a problem. They just know they don't feel good and then they just take that out on other people. So this client has learned to detach from her grandmother but still be present for her, but only when her cup is full. That's a huge caveat. She looks at this as an act of service, a chore, and she has no expectation in receiving anything positive or nurturing from her grandma. She holds very low expectations of her and she doesn't expect her to change or be different. And you might be thinking but I want the challenging person in my life to change. I want to have a good relationship with them, a healthy relationship, and I want them to be close to me. And, as I've talked about in previous episodes, when you let the person off the hook meaning you don't need them to change a huge amount of friction leaves the relationship. For example, this client now laughs when her grandma makes certain crass remarks and comments with no filter And she's grateful she's not stuck the way her grandma is. This client's very insightful, has a lot of awareness about herself and she's growing and changing and having a more positive experience in her life, where her grandma is just stuck in her ways. So back to the plan. Consider what you want to focus on during your visit with a challenging person. Is there a task that needs to be done, like taking your grandma to the grocery store? If you can, where would you like to steer the conversation? It's totally worth it to put energy into this work beforehand. This is the stuff that you can change in your relationship and this is how you can move towards more harmonious connections. Don't leave yourself at the whim of an unstable or negative person to steer your relationship. And then I'm going to touch on something heavy. In a verbal, abusive or any sort of abusive situation, give yourself permission to leave. It's not your job to fix it. There's a point where you just have to go to protect yourself. This may seem obvious for people who've never been in an abusive relationship, but for those who've been in really harmful relationships or had an abusive person in their lives, there's sometimes a blind spot of optimism where it's like all the bad times fall away and a person thinks this time will be different, and what I've seen and experienced is that, deep down, the person who's receiving the harm has given their power and given their self-worth away to the person who's abusive and they want more than anything to feel loved and accepted by the person who hurts them. I had this experience with an ex a very long time ago. One minute we'd be getting along great and the next he would tell me I was disgusting, unlovable and bring up events in the past that he had perceived as hurtful. I would try to sue the situation, apologize for the silly things he was upset about that I had no control over, and we would usually get into a huge fight And I didn't know it at the time. But I had given this person my power and my worthiness. I had very low self-esteem and when I entered this relationship he was validating all the fears that I had secretly about myself. And, looking back on this relationship, it was sort of an addiction, because I would get high when things were going really well and the bad times would be really bad, and I would tell myself that this was the last time it wasn't that bad or that things are good again. So it doesn't matter. I can forget the past And I would just be blind and focus on the good times. And it took me a long time to heal from this relationship and reclaim my self-worth. And it was only after the fact that I could see how I gave my power up to this other person. And engaging in these fights only hurt both of us. They repeated over and over again until he moved away. He had to physically be removed from my life for me to stop visiting this roller coaster of a relationship. It was completely insane. So my point is sometimes the boundary is just to leave, and I know sometimes it's hard to do but it's even harder to recover from the hurt that happened in those situations, because when the person leaves you or leaves your life, you are left with all of that pain, and that pain becomes this hole that you've dug yourself into and now you need to climb out. And I know we got pretty heavy there, but this is hard times no more. So let's get back to the no more side. You need to be kind to yourself when learning new patterns and interacting with others in a new way. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't go perfectly. Focus on what you can improve and control and do your best to let the rest go. It's helpful to remember that other people have their own higher power and their own life path. I sometimes think of challenging people as people who have chosen a life path subconsciously before they came down to this planet, to help others transform and level up as souls. Think about it No one seeks self improvement in personal growth. When things are going well. We push ourselves out of our comfort zone when we are in need of change, when we are desperate for something new. This desperation can be a gift if it's channeled in a productive way. So I imagine, when there's challenging people in my life, maybe they agree to that life path as a soul and they're like I'm going to be this really hard person to be around And so that other people can grow and flourish and level up through the challenges that they experience. So like what if the crabby, crazy people are intentionally in our lives to help us flourish, to push us to find true stability from within and teach us about compassion? And let's talk about your support. Who is part of your crew? Think of the people who support you as your crew members on your ship. You can't voyage to a new land completely alone. You are more likely to become shipwrecked if you try. So who can you call on to meet with you after a challenging family interaction? Who can you call to debrief or celebrate your wins? Who can you meet up with? Choose people who fill your cup and help support you through transformation. You are cheerleaders. You're not weak or burdensome when you rely on other people, especially when trying to move through difficult situations and change your patterns. It can be helpful and uplifting to others when you share what you're going through, and it can help you become closer with them. So before you enter your next challenging situation, create a plan. Try it out. You have nothing to lose. The very worst thing is that nothing changes and everything stays exactly the same. Taking time to make a plan ahead of time can be the magic bullet to changing years of dysfunction in your relationship. But be patient with yourself. Try out the plan a couple of times. Make a set amount of time that you're gonna spend with the person. Have a focused task or focus on certain conversation topics. Know when to leave if you need to leave and be sure to enter with a full cup optimally. But let's be real, sometimes you're not gonna have a completely full cup. You just need to be not on the verge of overwhelm and a breakdown when entering the situation. If you're feeling that and you really don't have time or the ability to take care of yourself, it's best to reschedule. And though I love a good quick fix, a new plan needs to be practiced a few times to get it right. And when using a new plan and you wanna get it right, decide what that looks like. Does it just mean that you have less anxiety entering the situation? Do you imagine yourself laughing with the person? Is the change you're looking for just knowing when to walk away and take care of yourself and detach with love? What does your newfound land look like? These are big questions and luckily you can listen to this podcast over again. If you need a refresher And if you like what you've heard, check out the Healthy Relationship Toolkit. Inside this toolkit, i share tools Here's that word again tools. We understand what tools are to heal, rebuild and create harmonious relationships in your life with the people who are most difficult for you to be around. Well, that's all I've got for today. This is, mrs Hard, signing off and wishing you smooth sailing amongst the waves of life. Talk to you later. Pick up this podcast you.