Ep. 5- Let That Sh*t Go: Heal Emotional Wounds And Transform Anger
EPISODE 5- Let That Sh*t Go: Heal Emotional Wounds And Transform Anger LISTEN NOW
Have you ever been trapped in a loop, replaying events or conversations in your mind, weeks or even years after they've happened?
This is a sign that you're harboring resentment and anger, emotions that can weigh you down and hinder your progress in life. Join me, Mrs. Hard, as we journey together to let go of these debilitating feelings. Learn how to release these pent-up emotions and clarify the path forward.
As a bonus, I'll share some essential wellness coaching resources. Get ready to take a step toward emotional freedom!
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Full Transcript:
Speaker 1: 0:00
Are you feeling weighed down by past hurts or playing them over and over in your mind? Join me, mrs Hard, as I show you how to triumph over resentments from the past. Together, we'll navigate the powerful healing process of releasing anger, while unearthing a fresh perspective that allows you to heal old wounds. Let's dive in. Hi, i'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times No More a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, i stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me, as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Hard Times No More relationship podcast. I'm Mrs Hard, your host, and today's episode is going to be a little bit like a workshop. There's a workshop that's called Let That Bleep Insert Bad Word Here Go. It's about letting resentments go, and I've hosted that workshop before. I'm going to host it again in the fall, most likely in September, so I guess that's late summer, early fall. I thought this would be a great topic today because I know some people in my life who've been feeling a little bit resentful, they've been feeling some anger towards others and I've been feeling this a little bit in my life and I had to do some work around it to let go of these resentments. And there's a very special way that I've learned to let go of anger in your life. So we're going to go through that process today, and if you hear some goats in the background, that's because they're being a little noisy today They're wanting to say hello on the podcast, and so if you hear some goat noises in the background, that's because I live out in the country. And so, moving on back to the podcast, do you find yourself replaying events or conversations in your mind after they've happened? For example, let's say you go to a mechanic to have your stereo repaired And after four hours of working on your car, he lets you know that he can't fix it. He didn't do enough research, he was too busy working on other cars and he's just going to have to put everything back together and send you on your way. And maybe you were very calm in the moment, maybe you didn't freak out on him. But you're driving home and you start replaying the situation in your head. You think about all the things you should have said, how you should have known you had a bad feeling before going into this. You think about how you're going to call his boss, how you want to get him fired, and you keep replaying this in your mind. And then it's weeks later and you're still replaying this in your mind. That is a resentment, and it happens in our personal lives too. Maybe you have someone in your life that you were close to, that you trusted, and they burned you, and it's been months since the actual event happened, but you keep replaying it in your mind. Maybe you pay a lot of attention to where that person is, who they're hanging out with. Maybe that person is now hanging out with your friends and you're so focused on how this person is going to hurt your friends, how they're a fraud, but you don't know how to talk to people about it, and this person ends up taking up a lot of room in your mind and creating stress in your life And you let that go. That's what we're gonna talk about today. I suggest working through these feelings in a very specific way. This is how I've found a lot of resolve from her, and I've seen this work for tons of other people too. And through this process, if you wanna go above and beyond and really let it go, i suggest you write about the following prompts that I'm going to share with you. And if you hate writing, that's really too bad, because I think for most people, it's their ego that's keeping them stuck. People say they don't have time for writing, they don't like it. There can be a lot of reasons why you can't seem to put pen to paper. And hey, i was there too. I had a huge block around writing, and it wasn't writer's block, where you sit down and you have nothing to write. It was like I knew I needed to do it and it would help me, but there is just something I can't describe that would just repel me away from it. And getting over that. Learning to write when I'm uncomfortable and making writing a part of my daily routine my morning routine has been a huge game changer for me. Writing offers us a different perspective on our problems or what we're going through, and it offers a space for something either a higher self or a greater intelligence or, if you believe in a higher power to come through and give you a different perspective on your situation. Rather than it just being stuck in your head, you can get it out, you can release it and there's an opportunity to see things differently when you write. At least that's my experience and that's what I've seen with people I've worked with. So if you're up for it, i would suggest doing some writing along with this podcast, and if you're exercising or driving in your car, you can listen through the prompts and then earmark some time afterwards to go back through this information and to write it out. You'll get a lot more from it. So back to the process of letting go of anger, resentment, frustration towards others, especially if they keep coming up and reoccurring in your mind. So first I want you to write down the person's name or think about the person's name, and then I want you to write what they did to you, all of the feelings of what they did. If they betrayed your trust, maybe they haven't apologized or taken accountability for something they did And now they're hanging out with all of your friends, and your friends don't know that this person can't be trusted. They are a fake and a fraud. All of the feelings you may have, i want you to write them out or think about them at this time. If this is about a family member, maybe you resent that they haven't been the parent you wanted them to be. They are always asking too much. They don't listen to you. They take advantage of you. They don't appreciate you. Whatever you do never makes them happy. What are the feelings that you feel? the beliefs you have, what you're thinking around this person And just let it out. When you write this on paper, you're getting it out of your head, and if you are just thinking about this, you can get it out of your head later. I'm gonna show you an exercise at the end of this episode That's gonna allow you to release it. Even if you're just thinking about it, then I want you to write about how it's affecting you. Is it affecting your relationships? because you can't trust this person who wronged you And that makes it hard to be close to certain people who are associated with this person in your life. Does it affect your trust? Does it affect your romantic life because someone in the past cheated on you? Does it affect your time because your mechanic wasted a bunch of your time when you could have been out enjoying your day off? What does it affect? Now I want you to get ready here. I'm gonna ask you to do something super uncomfortable, and your ego will not like it. This Next step will feel completely counterintuitive to some people, but I want you to hang with me and go through this process, because when it's really uncomfortable, that is where the game changing effects live. Discomfort isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes we're experiencing discomfort because our body is trying to tell us something. Our intuition is trying to tell us something Like we need to get out of a situation or we need to say something. Other times, when doing this deep internal work, discomfort is a sign that you're doing something new, that you're stepping out of your comfort zone, that you're breaking a pattern, and so when this kind of discomfort arises, it's good to lean into it and walk through it and take it as a good sign that You're doing something different. So I want you to consider what is your part? What responsibility do you have in the resentment, in the anger, in the interaction that went south? How did you participate in this wrong? and oh man, before you switch podcasts, just wait a minute. I'm gonna walk you through this. We're gonna break it down, because understanding my part, where I am responsible, what I can control, has changed my life. When we feel like someone is doing something to us, we have no control and are just feeling hurt and we feel stuck. We can't make a change or see another way out. We can't move out of our pain. But when we take the time to consider if we have a part in the sour interaction, our world can change. And there are Special circumstances where a person doesn't have a part. This is where serious abuse has happened and I'm talking about, like if a person's been raped or they're abused as a child. A person doesn't have a part in that and I know that's really heavy But it needs to be said. But if you resent a family member or a friend that's burned you, it's worth the detective work to look into what part you played. So in this case, let's say you had someone in your life that you trusted, you were vulnerable with them, you were close to them and they burned you and did not take accountability or responsibility for it. When analyzing your part, consider did you put this person on a pedestal? Did you hold back saying what you needed to say to them? Did you want this person to be someone they're not? maybe you didn't do enough research before Signing up for a retreat or buying a product, and maybe you're resentful about that. I've talked a lot in previous episodes about my father and the resentments I had for him, and I wanted him to be different than who he was. He's been sick with multiple sclerosis for my whole life And I was not willing to accept that. He was doing the best he could with the circumstances Life gave him. And I had another situation a long time ago with a person who took advantage of me, and my part was that I put this person on a pedestal. I forgot my boundaries. I wanted their approval, i wanted them to like me and I expected this person to lead and guide me. Instead of creating my own path, i gave my power up to this other person, and This may take some time to consider, because this is some really deep work We're talking about here. And so if you're feeling stuck, just let it marinate. Just consider what could be your part. If you believe in something greater, ask that something greater to show you what your part is. If you're writing, write down all the possible parts You could have. Even if it doesn't make sense, you can go back and you can cross them out. You can decide which ones resonate the most. And this is a process. It isn't meant to make you feel small or like the victim. It's meant to point out that it's not just the other person that hurt you. You had some part, and Walking through this process can show you what you don't want to do next time if you find yourself in a similar situation. And next, i want you to consider What characteristics are coming up for you in the 12-step world. We call these character defects. These were attitudes, actions and behaviors that we either learned or that we used as Coping mechanisms through life that are no longer serving us. They are things like perfectionism, control, judgment, envy, laziness, greed, ego think of the seven deadly sins. I know that sounds super religious and condemning and that's not where we're going with this, but Considering your character defects helps you to consider what is blocking you from moving forward, moving past the frustration, the anger, the hurt that you feel. I, i struggle with perfectionism, ego control, making assumptions and impatience. These are the core themes that come up for me, and I have done this process. We are talking about many, many times. I want to say hundreds of times. I'm not absolutely sure that's the exact number, but I've done it many times over the past seven years And when I'm disturbed, when I find myself becoming angry, resentful or hurt after an interaction with someone, i know that one of these defects of characters is being activated. I have had very high expectations of myself and of others. My high expectations led to burnout, kept myself always needing to do more And there's a lot to unpack here but my perfectionism did the same. It kept me from relaxing into the moment and enjoying what I had, because it wasn't ever good enough. I always could be working harder, i could be doing something better. I just wouldn't let myself off the hook, and others are a reflection of us. So this showed up for me in one particular way. When people were late, forgot their appointment or canceled the coffee date with me last minute, i would take it very personally and become very resentful. This affected my time and my relationships. It affected how I valued myself And my part was I was taking it personally. I was making assumptions that others were not valuing my time. My perfection and ego was coming out in the sense that I wasn't able to accept or acknowledge that others probably had a lot going on and it wasn't about me. Their life was crazy or something unexpected came up and they had to cancel. It wasn't really about me. In deep down, i was insecure. I was giving my value away to others instead of feeling value from within And, like I said before, these are super big topics. These are more like wellness coaching topics than podcast topics. Really, there's a lot to break down here, but I find that we all have similar wounds. We want to be seen, loved, accepted, valued and feel safe And when that is threatened, we react. We get mad, sad, anxious. Sometimes it's minor, like my experience with this car mechanic, and sometimes it's major, like a deep resentment towards your parent or an ex-partner, and it's not helpful for us to just have these feelings bouncing around in our minds. These feelings and thoughts affect your ability to manage stress. They affect you way more than the person you resent. The person you resent may not even know you have these big feelings about them. They're just bebopping along life, feeling fine, and you're over here spinning. You're over here spinning. If you resent someone you see regularly, it affects your interactions with them And it can pile up. It can create an elephant in the room And sometimes it can create a herd of elephants in the room A bunch of feelings you can't talk about that you've just been shoving under the bed for a long period of time And you can't tell how to talk about them without all of this anger coming up and making the situation worse. And going through these prompts can help to diffuse those feelings as well, and so you can approach it in a different way, a way that's not so loaded, and my point is it's worth working through, even if you aren't sure if you're doing this right. Going through this process can create lightness in your heart. So let's recap. Then I'll offer you one more tool to help you along your way. First, write down the person's name. Second, write down what they did to you And really let it out. Write down all of the things. Third, what is it affecting? Is it affecting your relationships, your financial security, your work relationships, your job. What is it affecting? And then, fourth, the big one What is your part? If this doesn't come easily, remember, let it marinate. And then, fifth, what character defects are blocking you or coming up, for example, perfectionism, judgment control, envy, ego, laziness? You can Google a list of character defects. Just Google character defects 12 steps And people have made long, highly organized lists of what could be coming up for you. And now for the final step Can you acknowledge how this person is just another human? Maybe they're an injured human trying to fill their voids in weird ways. Maybe they're mentally ill or they have an actual disease. Are they a product of their environment? Maybe they had a rough upbringing and they're living in survival mode? For me, it's helpful to let others off the hook, because I'm not perfect and I definitely make mistakes. Most of the time, my mistakes come from needing to prove my worth or my worthiness to the world, instead of resting in the feeling that I'm worthy from within. And the more kind and gentle I can be to others, the more kind and gentle I can be to myself, and vice versa. So, lastly, we're gonna go into meditation mode here. Don't close your eyes. If you're driving, definitely don't do that. And if you're walking or exercising, you know, just become mindful, slow down mentally, become present in the moment. And if you're writing and you're sitting somewhere, close your eyes for a moment. I want you to imagine the person and all of the feelings you have around them And I want you to put all of that into a balloon. Now I want you to let go of the balloon. Let it float away, far away from you. Imagine it floating up into the sky And then imagine that it bursts. And imagine that energy in the balloon going to other parts of the universe, other parts of the world. That energy is leaving you. And then come back to the moment And you can repeat this exercise either the balloon exercise or the writing exercise as many times as you'd like. What we did today is called a fourth step And it's from the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's step number four out of the 12 steps, and these 12 steps are the same steps used in Al-Anon, which is a 12 step program for people who have alcoholics or addicts in their life. It's used in OA, which is Over-Eaters Anonymous, fa, which is Food Addicts Anonymous, sa, sex Addicts Anonymous. There's Gamblers, addicts, anonymous. There are all these anonymous groups, and that's because the 12 steps really work. And there are 12 step groups all over the world. If you just Google 12 steps, you can find meetings anywhere And I love this work because it has changed my life And I've worked with others who've experienced amazing transformation from it too. I know we covered a lot in a short time today, but luckily, you can revisit this episode at any time And if you're looking for more support and wanna dig through this a little bit deeper, you can set up a wellness coaching session with me on my website, mrs-hardcom, or you can reach out to me on Instagram, if you just have a question or two, or on Facebook, and I'll put the links in the show notes. Thanks for joining me today. I'm so grateful to be on this journey with you. Take care.