Ep. 8- Healing From The Loneliness Epidemic
EPISODE 8-
Healing From The Loneliness Epidemic-
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Feeling disconnected?
Is your anxiety holding you back from deeper, healthier relationships?
Welcome back to the Hard Times no More podcast. This episode is dedicated to transforming the sting of loneliness into the healing balm of connection.
As your host, Mrs Hard, I'll be sharing the tools and insights that guided me from the depths of despair to a life filled with meaningful relationships. We'll talk about the loneliness epidemic, its effects on your wellbeing and the importance of creating a more profound connection with yourself and those around you.
We won't stop there, we're diving into the healing power of relationships and exploring their role in managing depression, anxiety, and stress. From learning how to silence your inner critic and developing a healthier relationship with yourself to nurturing your relationship with a higher power, this episode is a beacon of hope for anyone feeling isolated, battling self-doubt, or seeking connection.
So, if you're ready to break free from loneliness and establish more meaningful relationships, this episode is for you!
Show Notes:
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Full Transcript:
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Hard Times no More relationship podcast. I'm Mrs Hard, your host. Today's topic was inspired by a conversation I had with a client. She told me about a New York Times article called If Loneliness is an Epidemic, how do we treat it? I read this article and it dives into some fascinating science around how the brain changes when a person is lonely for a prolonged period of time and we're talking years and it talks about how a person is more susceptible to disease and chronic illness, especially when they're in the state Now. I don't need to tell you that loneliness is a big problem for many people, especially since COVID, but what do we do about it? In the article it also says that one in five people in the US are lonely, so there are most likely some lonely people. Listening to this episode, I decided to focus on relationships in my wellness coaching practice because for me, when I was in the darkest time of my life, most of my relationships were not going well and I felt severely lonely, even if I was in a room full of people. I believed my future was doomed and life was going to be hard, that good things weren't in the cards for me. And when life was going well, I couldn't really embrace it because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I focused on the belief that this good time was short-lived, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I focused on the negative, which would attract more hardships into my life, and I also had a ton of social anxiety. I used these as excuses to drink and my drinking also kept me stuck in this cycle. There were a few short stints in my 20s when I didn't drink for a month, or I think the most time was three months at one point, and during those times I became even more isolated and socially anxious. Today, my life is so much different. I have an abundance of healthy, joyful relationships in my life and I focus on the positive. Even when life gets a little rocky, I know that things will work themselves out and I lean on others for support and I don't feel like I have to do things alone anymore. That's why relationships, I believe, are the key to solving loneliness, depression, anxiety and stress. And I'm not just talking about relationships with people those are very important and help you create a deeply fulfilling life but also the relationship you have with yourself or something greater than yourself, something spiritual. And I'm not telling you all this for recognition. You know, like yay for me. I'm saying this because it's my coaching mission to help people get to the other side of loneliness and anxiety, because it sucks to feel that way and when you're in it, it seems like it's impossible to change and definitely improbable. I believe, the root of a lot of today's Social issues, like addiction, anxiety and depression come from disconnect, because that's what I've experienced and that's what I've seen in so many people that I've worked with, and for a long time I had a distorted view that life just happened to you, like you got a good life or a bad life, and that things, if they were going to get good, would just turn around on their own and happen. Now I know that you have to want it, you have to make it happen, and it's possible to make it happen because I've seen a lot of people transform their feelings of hopelessness in their relationships, in their lives. So this isn't fluffy, pie-in-the-sky thinking. It's true, and I believe that you can overcome anything, but you have to want it. And what does that mean? Let's unpack that Wanting it means believing it's possible, even if you're faking it till you make it. Wanting it means having an open mind. Having an open mind goes a long way. If your mind has already decided that change is impossible, that's when you're in trouble. And let's get a bit spiritual. If you believe in something greater than yourself, hopefully this thing is loving. If it isn't loving, I would suggest changing that right away, because moving out of heavy feelings is a lot harder if you think you're being constantly judged or condemned. What is something greater than yourself that you can connect with? Is it nature? Is it the ocean? Is it the life force you feel within your body daily? What does this divine force or life force look like to you? One of my really good friends considers her higher power to be a glittery orb that she calls glitter ball, which I think is amazing. Maybe you are religious and that's where your beliefs come from. My mom was super Catholic and her faith still blows me away. When she was diagnosed with cancer and told that she would die soon relatively soon she was completely accepting. She never feared death because she had such a strong connection with her higher power, which she called Jesus. My mom lived a very hard life for 20 plus years before her diagnosis and she leaned on her faith through all of life's roller coasters, and one of the greatest gifts I saw her receive from all the hardship she experienced was an unshakable faith, because no matter what happened and I mean heavy stuff like not having enough money to pay for rent and bills while working 60 plus hours a week with a chronically ill husband and two kids she always got through it, even when it seemed impossible, and that's why her faith was so strong. And for me, being raised Catholic, I had a strong adversity to religion. I didn't just dislike structured religion, I was repelled by it because it was forced on me for so many years. My mother also believed that if I wasn't Catholic I wouldn't be in heaven with her, and that scared her. It took me a long time to realize that that was the reason why she was forcing it on me. But anyways, I'm not religious today, but I do have a strong connection with the higher power and that has helped me to let go. This relationship developed slowly over time and when my life started to change seven years ago, I didn't have some big aha moment where I suddenly had a relationship with higher power. I started to dip my toe into the water of trusting something greater than myself, something outside myself, because I realized I wasn't in control. And trying to control everything and everyone was very stressful and it wasn't working for me. I had to try a different way. So this relationship developed in keyword relationship with the higher power. It's a back and forth. I talk to my higher power when times are good. I talk to my higher power when life is challenging. I pay attention to the amazing things that happen unexpectedly in my life and I believe that that is because of my higher power that things work out that way, and I can look back on so many events before my life changed and I used to put myself in some shady situations and how I got through those situations. I think that something was watching out for me and I can look back and remember times when I only had $60 to my name and I got through random bills that came up, like my car breaking down or unexpected disasters, and something got me through that. Something provided for me along the way, and I believe that's my higher power. That's always been with me and looking out for me, whether I've chosen to acknowledge it and have a relationship with it or not. That's how amazing my higher power is. It's just hanging out patiently, waiting for me to recognize it on a daily basis and it's very loving. So connecting and creating an active relationship with something outside of yourself is worth exploring. If your mental chatter and insides are intolerable because of depression, anxiety and stress which is creating loneliness, a metaphor I love is if you can't let go of something, if it's constantly on your mind and stressing you out and creating those unwanted feelings. Imagine putting those thoughts and feelings into a basketball and then throwing it to your higher power. And this isn't usually a one and done. There are days where I am constantly throwing that basketball to my higher power over and over again if something's really weighing heavy on my mind. And I have a client and she imagines that her problems are in a balloon and she just lets go of the balloon and watches it float away. And she does that over and over again through the day when something's really bothering her. And what I have found what I've seen other people experience is that when you practice this, your burdens become lighter. You develop a relationship with something greater than yourself and you no longer feel like it's on you to carry those problems. And sometimes letting go of that fear and that worry is just what you need, because worrying about it usually doesn't change the situation. It just keeps it on your mind and feeds and fuels that anxiety you have. These exercises may seem a bit oversimplified, but don't knock it till you try it. If you are a skeptic, take whatever problem you have, big or small, and try it for one day. What do you have to lose If it doesn't work. You'll just be exactly where you are now and okay. Wow, I didn't realize I was gonna go on such a higher power tangent, but I do believe that connecting to something greater than yourself is one of the key components to reducing anxiety and stress in your life and that feeling of isolation. And so, first, if you're feeling isolated, try connecting with something spiritual, something around you. Turn your stress over to something greater than yourself. And second, let's look at the relationship you have with yourself, because if we go straight to, oh, you're lonely. You should really connect with others. You would say, yeah, no way, but that's what I'm struggling with right now. So first let's explore the higher power thing. Then can you connect with yourself, or can you explore what the relationship looks like that you have with yourself. In my experience and what I see when I work with other people, is that we are constantly trying to check out of ourselves and there are a whole lot of devices we can use. We can use social media, tv, food. Sometimes we become very obsessed with what other people are doing because we're trying to get out of ourselves and that's not exactly a healthy relationship that we're building. But when we're uncomfortable in our own skin. That makes sense, that we're trying to get out of ourselves. But what if this discomfort is a sign, a message from your body and your soul? And if ignored, it gets louder. And what does louder look like? Greater anxiety, more uncomfortable feelings. It's a vicious cycle and wherever you go, there you are, you can't escape yourself. So let's work on healing your relationship with yourself and, as I've said in other episodes, these are very big topics, ones that are bigger than just one podcast episode, and that's why I work with people one-on-one and in the online group program called the Phoenix Project. I like the fire theme and the symbolism of the Phoenix rising from the ashes, so one-on-one coaching and the Phoenix Project is where you can dive into these topics with me more deeply and for more information, visit my website, mrs-hardcom MRS-hardcom. Anyway, back to the relationship with yourself. How do you shift that? Well, we're at square one again Williness. You have to believe it's possible to shift your current state. If you need to pretend at first, by all means pretend. That is completely acceptable. Keep your mind open. A closed mind cannot be helped. Now you may have some chit chat in your mind that fuels your anxiety. Let's call this your inner critic or your negative self-talk. I've been there. My mean girl voice used to start the moment I woke up in the morning and talked to me all day until I went to sleep at night. It was never kind or loving. It pointed out all the mistakes I was making that day, all the mistakes I'd made in the past. It loved to highlight old memories, pull them to the front of my mind and diagnose how I'd screwed up the situation or looked like a fool or made a bad decision. Does this voice sound familiar? Have you noticed a narrative like this in your head? Maybe you have a lot of feelings, but you don't have a narrative to it. If you were to give it a voice, one that is describing what is happening to you around the times that you're having big feelings, what would that narrative be? So I've hosted a workshop that addresses this mean voice. In the workshop we called this your inner critic and I asked people to name this negative self-talk. My inner critic is named Mandy because a very long time ago I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and when that person left my life I was stuck with their narrative about me in my mind and about how it was awful and so, because it was a man's voice in my head, I named it Mandy. No offense to any men out there, I love men. My husband is a man. It's just what worked for me at that time. So why would you want to name this voice? Because it separates it from yourself. When you believe you are the fear you are the anxiety, the stress, the depression. When you strongly identify with it, it becomes hard, if not impossible, to escape. But if you can create some space, if you can listen to it as if you're watching a movie and see that it's just a narrative, it's not who you truly are, then it can't control. You can't have as much power over you. And, like the other exercise, this isn't a one-and-done Like okay, alessandra, I just named my inner critic and won't be bothered by it anymore. It's about practicing this over and over again. So come up with a name. You can call it Karen, you can name it your ex-husband's name, and whenever this voice is ramping up, you can tell it to shut up, or you can just disengage and remind yourself that this voice is not you. This is a simple exercise to get you started to become better friends with yourself, and if you've been listening for a little while to other episodes on this podcast, you know there are snippets in every episode about how to become kinder to yourself, because that's such a big part of mental health and healthy relationships. And let me remind you, no matter how you feel about yourself right now, you are amazing. No one is just like you. Everyone has their strengths and superpowers. I believe you have a purpose here, and when things are challenging in your life, you can go two different ways. You can let it take over and keep you frozen in time, trapped in one hell of a repeat of how these awful things are, proved that your life will always be hard. Or you can move through it and journey through the discomfort, and it isn't as painful as you think. It's your mind that is tripping you up, and every time you move through something difficult, it proves that you can do it. You become more resilient, stronger, wiser, more resourceful, more empathetic, more joyful, more capable than you were before, and hardships are an opportunity to connect deeper with others and yourself. When you get your insides straightened out, it becomes easier to connect with others. It just flows. I'm an introvert to the core, and if I'm stressed and depleted. Even in this phase of life, which is much different than how I used to live, it isn't easy to connect with others. But now, because I've done a lot of internal healing, I don't feel loneliness when it's hard to connect. I just observe that I'm more anxious or irritable in the moment and having trouble connecting because I'm depleted and tired. And I'll just try again when I'm more rested. But it's no big thing. Where before that would really take over and that was the normal for me. It wasn't like a fluke, like oh I'm tired, I need to recharge. It was like every day, all day. So to recap your relationship with yourself healing that will help you connect more fully with others. And if that relationship is really uncomfortable, that relationship with yourself. Start with an open mind. Name your negative self-talk, because anyone who feels a lot of anxiety and depression they usually have a lot of negative self-talk Realize that inner critic is not you, it's your ego. We use the word ego almost in every episode. Can't have an episode without talking about the ego, even if it's just for a little bit. But remember the main point is it's not who you truly are, you are not your thoughts. Connecting with something greater than yourself. Developing that relationship takes the pressure off of you. It takes the pressure off you needing to figure out and be responsible for everyone and everything. It can be a huge relief. It's a relationship, a conversation, a hello, a thank you. It includes asking, listening and trust. When you create a relationship with something greater than yourself, checking in, developing and healing these aspects of your life are essential. After you do this, your relationships flow so much more easily. And lastly, then you put yourself out there. You say yes to the thing, to your best friend's birthday party, or maybe you start a little smaller with a family dinner or a one-on-one coffee with friend. We don't have to jump from no humans to a party full of humans and if you're up for that, that big jump, go for it. And it's normal, if you've been feeling isolated and lonely, for it to be a little awkward the first few times you put yourself out there. You also don't need to wait until you feel like you have a solid relationship with your higher power and you love every part of yourself to step out and socialize more and nurture your connections. You can use uncomfortable times to strengthen your connection with your higher power, especially when you're trying something new or different. Talk to it, let it know you're uncomfortable and when you go into the situation, ask for a sign for it to show you it's with you and keep an open mind to what unfolds. Maybe you go to your friend's party and you see a longtime friend who is a fellow introvert and you didn't expect to see them there. Maybe you've been feeling anxious and you end up talking for hours with this friend, laughing, reminiscing about old memories, and you find out you've both listened to this podcast episode and you laugh about what you named your inner critic. Maybe she named it after your fourth grade teacher and you named it after the second grade bully, and that would be an ultimate higher power moment. Keep an open mind that good things are possible for you. Stability, happiness, peace of mind, worthiness are all not only possible, they are highly probable. If you're willing to do the internal house cleaning with the support of others, and if you wanna chat more about anything we discussed today, you can go to my website or look in the show notes and schedule a 30 minute call with me. Like I said, my coaching mission is to help others move to the other side of anxiety, depression, grief and loneliness. So if you are feeling any of these feelings reach out, you don't have to do this alone. All right, that's all I got for today, until next time. This is Mrs Hard signing off. Have a great day.