Ep. 10- Deeper Connection Through Conflict
EPISODE 10-
Deeper Connection Through Conflict
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What if the arguments and conflicts you experience in your relationships are the keys to deeper understanding and connection with your partner?
My journey to discovering this started with a conflict at a rock climbing gym. My husband and I got into a fight that changed how we communicated for the better.
This week, I'm sharing about this transformative experience and how it led me to understand the importance of fighting and conflict in healthy relationships.
Listen to learn about...
Various communication styles to create deep understanding for yourself and your partner.
How to respect your partner's feelings while sharing yours.
Tools to stop having the same recurring fight with your partner.
Remember, your biggest hurdles can turn into your greatest lessons and become stepping stones for personal growth and healing in your relationships.
Let's connect on Instagram:
@Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
On Facebook:
Mrs.Hard
Full Transcript:
Hi, I'm Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships, and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times no More relationship podcast. I'm Mrs. Hard, your host. Today, we're going to talk about a very important part of healthy relationships, one that you may not have considered to be this important. We're going to talk about fighting, and I'm talking about verbal fighting, no physical combat here. It's a myth that healthy relationships don't have conflict. Healthy relationships are all about how disagreements are handled, not the absence of disagreements. Conflicts offer us an opportunity to find deeper healing within ourselves and grow closer to the ones we love. Communication isn't always easy. You may have a partner who has a very different kind of communication style than you do. My husband and I handle conflict very differently. I always want to fix things right away, and he doesn't do this anymore. But he used to shut down when there was conflict. He would need space. When we were arguing, he was afraid of saying something he would regret. Neither of us had super healthy communication skills at that time. I'll never forget the day that he didn't shut down and everything changed after that. We were at a rock climbing gym and we got into a fight about my attitude at the gym, and I did have a wee bit of an attitude. I was irritated and I didn't really want to be there. I felt like we were always doing what he wanted to do and he was trying to encourage me to do this really hard route. When I was stressed and tired, I didn't want to be there, and so that's where the attitude came in, and it wasn't my best moment. And even worse, it was in front of a friend of ours, which made him feel embarrassed, and I don't know if you've had these kinds of fights before, where the actual argument isn't about what you're really fighting about For example, what happened at the rock climbing gym that's not really what we were arguing about. There is something much deeper. So afterwards we were getting tacos and started having a full-blown argument. I cried and said things. He said things he later took back, none of which were very mean, but they were messy, and our fight was a fight. It was messy, but he stayed and he fought with me, which was a huge change, instead of shutting down and physically removing himself from this base. I was so grateful that he stayed, because we got it all out on the table and resolved our issue within a shortish amount of time. He described his feelings, his thought process and where he was coming from, and I described mine, and we understood each other on a deeper level and we felt closer after that fight. From then on and that was about five years ago we have fought and communicated differently. Some of the difference comes from the internal work we've each done separately around not taking people's stuff personally and looking at what we're responsible for Our moods, our stress level, our behaviors, our actions, our tones towards the other person. One person might be having a completely different experience in the relationship and their experience is valid. So let's break this down so that it can bring light to how you're having conflict with the ones you love, the ones close to you, and it can help you understand if there are any adjustments you might want to make so that you can stop having a reoccurring fight or you can have more understanding for yourself and your loved one. So let me ask you are you the shutdown type, because you don't want to say something you're going to regret, or are you the fix it now type? Both have pros and cons. The pro about the shutdown type is that you are less likely to say something you'll regret. But in the time, the space that you're taking away from the incident, are you avoiding it or are you really being thoughtful and intentional? Are you letting the desk settle and seeing what sticks out? The pro about the let's fix it now type is that you don't let things linger. But sometimes this type can be pushy and rush past the deeper meaning behind the argument, because they just want everything to be okay now or they're impatient with what others need. That was me. I hated to let things linger because my mind always went to the worst case scenario. When there was physical or emotional space, I took the space very personally. I had slash have abandonment issues. They don't come up as much now because I've done a lot of work around them, but back then I definitely had abandonment issues, so I felt like I was being abandoned when there was space. Over time I've learned to meet my husband halfway when something comes up. I've learned to pause, slow down, consider if this is the right time to have big feelings or if I need to take a moment to let things settle before we really talk it out, because I'm stressed, overwhelmed, tired from other things that are happening in life and I'm projecting whatever isn't going right onto my husband because he's the closest person to me. Sometimes I still have big feelings and they just come out. I can't help it. I'm a human, not a robot, and that's okay. And I've had to learn to forgive myself when I feel embarrassed that those feelings came out or that I said something in a regret or got really emotional and projected my stuff onto him. My husband is open to communicating and resolving conflict at the right time and in the meantime, what has changed is he doesn't become so distant. He's more open when he's around me. If we haven't had time to sort out our issue yet, this is what happens when you're in a relationship for a long time and you both work on your stuff, so much maturity develops. He's in paramedic school right now and working full time, and I have two businesses so, needless to say, our lives are very busy. We've learned to compartmentalize Big word. There are feelings, but not avoid them and let them pile up, because letting feelings pile up leads to more arguments. Avoiding things that need to be talked about can also make it feel like there's a big elephant in the room that isn't being addressed, or that you're walking on eggshells because you don't want to set the other person off. And so, because our lives are busy, sometimes we have to table our fight or argument for a couple of days until we have the space to really talk it through, because sometimes, if one of us is running on empty, there is literally no energy left to sort through the feelings and to be present with one another and come to a peaceful, mutual understanding. But, like I said, that doesn't mean that it has to be awkward and distant in between. There's just kind and loving, patience for the right time. And for me, a person who likes to fix things now, that was like a huge growing point of like learning okay, it's not the end of the world, it's not fixed now and things can still be okay. So a couple of things to consider. When you're having a conflict with someone close to you, whether it's your significant other, a co-worker or a family member, what is your part? Are you holding any expectations? Does the other person know you have these expectations? Sometimes we forget to communicate our expectations. I have definitely been guilty of expecting other people to read my mind and didn't realize that I didn't communicate my wants, feelings or needs to them. So when resentment or conflict is coming up for you, double triple check to see if you have any expectations. Does the other person understand your why? What do I mean? Well, sometimes when we tell a person close to us that we need something or want something done a certain way, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A cause of this can be that they don't understand why it is important to you. So when you feel resentment or conflict arises, and if it's something you've talked about before. That keeps coming up. Check in to see if you have clearly explained why it is important to you. Really, don't assume that they know. And then how do you get to the deeper issue? Because arguments aren't usually about taking out the trash or rock climbing attitudes. Those are the cover story and I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say most of the time the root cause is around value and worth. Like I said, I have abandonment issues. They haven't come up in a long time for the most part, but they used to run my subconscious. So most of the conflict I felt in relationships was about being abandoned or not valued. When my husband and I got into that fight at the rock climbing gym, it was because I didn't feel like my husband was making enough time for me and I didn't feel valued. He had no idea I felt this way. In his mind he loved me very much and he valued me, but our actions weren't lining up because I felt like I was always doing whatever he wanted to do because I wanted to spend time with him. I never said what I wanted to do at the time because I honestly didn't even know what I wanted to do. I had become so out of touch with myself and disconnected from myself and I had started to really focus on others because I was avoiding some deeper issues. I was having around my mother's passing and losing my house, and for me as a recovering codependent, when I start focusing on others too much, I'm almost always avoiding something within myself. I needed to figure out what I liked, what activities I wanted to do, and he promised to set aside time to participate in those activities with me to create more balance in our relationship. Another thing to consider is if you are taking other people's stuff personally. Over the past two weeks, I have had the same resentment come up in three different situations. I did some writing around it and I realized that I've been slipping back into old patterns of not using my voice and setting boundaries. I was expecting other people to read my mind and follow a set of ideals I had tucked inside my mind and never verbalized. I used to do this often many years ago because communication was a huge roadblock for me. I struggled for a long time with speaking up and saying what I needed to say and expressing what I needed. I definitely never thought to also include why I felt the way I did when I changed this behavior. When I first changed it, I would overcorrect and I'd say way too much, I'd bring my past into it and I'd really over explain myself. And sometimes when we're changing a behavior, we overcorrect in the opposite direction. And so for me it was hard for me to communicate, say what I needed, wanted, felt. When I overcorrect I said too much. Eventually the pendulum swung back to the middle and now it's easier to communicate because I've practiced it. I was okay with not being perfect at it in the beginning as well, even if it was uncomfortable. After writing about these recent situations, I realized I was reluctant to speak up because I wanted to be liked, which deeper meaning. I wanted others to deem my worthiness and value. As we've talked about before, around here, most of the time we are projecting our own stuff onto other people. It's human nature and happens subconsciously until you do a lot of minds that work around it and can become aware of it. So when you are feeling upset by someone else's actions and behaviors, consider are you taking someone else's stuff personally? Are you stressed or angry about something? Are you lonely or tired? These emotions prime people for conflict. Are you running on empty energetically. Have you been overcommitting yourself? Do you need to fill your cup and make time to meet your own needs? When you don't take this time, you become needy because you're in a deficit and you may subconsciously be expecting there's that word again expectations expecting others to do something to help you. When you really do the work around this process, an internal shift happens. So these are all great tools you can use for yourself. And how you can bring your partner or loved one into this conversation is after really doing this work, after you've practiced this kind of self-awareness a few times, try explaining this process to your partner or your loved one and see if they're receptive and find interest in it. Just throw it out there. Talk about what you've been experiencing, what you've noticed about yourself. Keep it focused on yourself. Don't push it on them. Another thing you can do is ask questions about how they process conflict and where their mind is at. Don't make assumptions. I know you may live with this person. Maybe you've known them for years and you assume you know how they think. It is helpful to ask why and to understand their process. This is how my husband and I became better communicators. I am very inquisitive. I love to understand why people feel the way they do, think the way they do. I would ask him why he acts the way he does in certain situations. I was really honestly interested in understanding his process, his unique human experience. Asking questions like this in a kind and patient way, about how your loved one sees the world and their experience, is a great way to grow closer to them. If your loved one is not used to talking about their feelings or they don't like talking about their feelings, just be patient and ask one question at a time. I think the best time to do this is if you're in a car and you're driving or doing something when you're not face to face, because if someone has a hard time talking about their feelings, sometimes it's easier for them if they're not looking directly at you. And don't overwhelm them with questions, especially if there's skittish around this. Just, you know, throw out one here in there at a time. Ask them what their process is, why they think the way they do, and explain your why to them. Tell them you want to know more about them so that you can feel closer to them, if that's comfortable for you. So to bring it all together, when you have a fight or an argument with someone, it's not usually about the superficial argument, especially if it's a reoccurring fight. When you feel upset, something may be triggering or threatening you, something at your core, like your worthiness or your value. Your experience and feelings are valid and the way to a healthier relationship is to not just stop at my feelings are valid but to question what's underneath the surface. Are you stressed? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired? Is there an old wound that's being triggered? Does that wound need some healing? Are you clearly communicating with your loved one? Are you harboring expectations or are you taking people's stuff personally? Most likely because other things are happening in life. Remember, our loved ones are usually reflecting the stuff that we need to work on to us. So whatever we don't like in someone else, that's really something we don't like in ourself. Same thing, when we're arguing with someone or finding conflict about something going on, usually that's tied to something going on with it within us. And these people, these conflicts, these arguments create an opportunity for us to find deeper healing. Our greatest challenges can become our most impactful and empowering teachers if we are willing to do the work and find healing. Well, that's all I got for today, wishing you awakening on your internal healing journey. You can always reach out If you have any questions. You can find me on Instagram at MrsHardTimes underscore no more, and I'll put links in the show notes. And for those of you who may not know what show notes are, they're like the synopsis that goes along with the podcast. I'll put links in there so you can contact me. You can let me know if you have any questions from this episode. So until next time, take care.