Ep. 17 -Creating a Healthy Relationship with Grief
EPISODE 17-
Creating a Healthy Relationship with Grief
LISTEN NOW
Grief can be a beast and a constant companion, but what if you could establish a healthy relationship with it?
Tune in to this episode as I unpack my personal experiences, share how I've managed to maintain a connection with my mother after her passing, and discuss my journey towards forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance.
Take away some coping mechanisms to handle your grief and learn how to be kind to yourself during tough times.
Believe me, grief is not a straight line but a winding path, and I hope my experiences can help you navigate yours.
Say "Hi!" on Instagram: @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Or on Facebook: AllesandaTolomei-Hard
Website: Mrs-Hard.com
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Full Transcript:
Speaker 1: 0:01
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host. First, I want to say a big thank you to everyone who listens to this podcast. Last week, this podcast reached over 500 downloads, which is so exciting. When I started this podcast, my vision was to create a space where people could come on and talk about their relationship problems and how they were dealing with life authentically. And this creative project has taken on a mind of its own, as most creative projects do, and the core theme that I have found that's come up through these episodes is our relationship with ourselves, which, to fill you in on a little secret, whenever we're having a problem with people in our lives, 50% of it has to do with our relationship with ourselves at least 50%. So I love how this podcast has organically gravitated towards that theme, because when we don't have a healthy relationship with ourselves, it's very hard to have healthy relationships with others. And speaking of challenges, which is challenging when we don't have healthy relationships with others, I recently created a free three-day coaching series called Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster Three Simple Steps to Anxiety Relief. This free coaching series takes you through a three-day process that includes simple steps to create more peace in your life, to help you feel grounded, to help you to create a plan when an event is on the horizon that's making you anxious. This free coaching series also includes a guided meditation by yours truly. Some of you are big fans of my guided meditations and have experienced them in the Phoenix Project. So on day two, you get your free guided meditation and this free coaching series is a combination of some of my favorite tools that I use with my clients. Check it out and I'll put a link for it in the show notes and, once again, thank you so much for being a part of this community and for sharing this podcast with those close to you. It totally lights up my soul to see that people are listening and to hear feedback from you and hear that the topics we discuss on this podcast are helping you. So today we're going to jump into a heavy topic. We're going to talk about grief and we're going to talk about letting go and having a healthy relationship with grief. October has been a hard month for me for a couple of years now. On October 1st of 2016, my mom passed away from terminal lung cancer. She had been diagnosed 15 months before, on her 60th birthday, with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to her liver, brain and bones. When she was first diagnosed, the doctors didn't know how much time she had to live and she was given an experimental chemo medication to prolong her life and it ended up working. But when she was first diagnosed, it caught me completely off guard. I've grown up with a father who's had a chronic illness my whole life and for about 10 years I expected him to die every year. I thought this was going to be his last Christmas, this was going to be his last birthday, but then, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I stopped believing that my father might pass away. He's honestly a medical anomaly and I make jokes that he will survive any large nuclear event or any devastating event. He'll just keep on trekking, because he's almost passed away a couple of times and then regained his health and then became more well afterward, which is amazing. My father is amazing. So, anyways, when my mom was diagnosed, it caught me completely off guard and it led to a huge change in my life because I spiraled. She was my best friend, she was my rock, she was somebody I really leaned on in life and I loved spending time with her. So, anyways, I spiraled, but that honestly led to my life becoming better, because I hit a bottom and then I decided to change my life. I decided to stop drinking and deciding that allowed me to be fully present with her for the last 15 months of her life and we made a lot of good memories during that time. My mom had a very hard life. She had a lot of financial chaos. She was a caretaker for my father for a long time and she just couldn't get ahead, no matter how much she tried, for it seemed like 20 years and her last year was the best year of her life. She was able to do whatever she wanted to do. She had really given herself permission and freedom to be more flexible and spend time with friends, and she qualified for some services that supported her so that she didn't have to work as much. And then we all knew that eventually the cancer was going to raise its ugly head. Everything but the bone cancer had become less aggressive with the medication and about three weeks before she passed she started having pain, and that was a symptom and a sign to us that her time was wrapping up here. And I was her main caretaker during that time, which I am so grateful for because it gave me precious moments with my mom, and we had a lot of very special conversations during that time. I remember asking her once if she would still be with me when she goes to the other side, and she told me I will never leave you, and she just said it so joyfully, and she kept that promise to me. She's been with me ever since she passed. So, after she passed away, I felt like I was in charge of making sure all of the to-dos were done unpacking the house, getting rid of things, setting up the funeral, making all the arrangements and what I was really doing is staying really, really busy because I didn't want to feel the feelings I was having. It was too much, and I successfully stayed busy for several months after her passing, at which point I hit a wall and I think I slept for three weeks. It felt like I was just exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted and if you've lost somebody, you know this. But the first year is really hard because you have your first birthday without them, you have their first birthday without them. Here, you experience the anniversary of their passing. The holidays are harder. The first year is the worst, and some advice that I got from a person close to me that really helped was to not avoid her birthday and the anniversary of her passing, but to do something to commemorate her, and so I decided to go to a restaurant that her and I both loved going to on the anniversary of her passing and, to this day, on her birthday or the anniversary of her passing. I always do something to remember her and I plan it ahead of time Because I've tried ignoring these dates in the past, even though I was given that advice. There were some years that I tried to ignore it and that made it worse because I would just get really busy, book a full list of clients and then I have to cancel because I wasn't my best self and it was embarrassing to not feel like my best self or be able to show up as my best self. I had to learn to slow down and give myself grace. When I feel grief and if you've experienced grief, you know this it doesn't always show up when you think it will. It comes in waves and it washes over you and it lasts for a couple days, a period of time, and then it goes on its way. And for me, when grief appears, I don't always recognize it. At first I'll feel a heaviness in my heart, or I'll wake up in the morning and I won't be as enthusiastic or excited for the day, and I'll notice that I'm more sensitive to things or that the memory of my mom makes me sad. So when my mom passed, it was suggested to me to reframe my relationship with her. Just because she wasn't on the planet anymore Didn't mean that she wasn't going to be in my life and that I couldn't have a relationship with her. So I have, over the years, talked to my mom and looked for signs that my mom is showing me. This helps me stay connected to her and feel close to her, even though she's not present here on the planet. I believe that all of the amazing things that have happened in my life since she's passed are because of her. I believe she's doing way more for me on the other side than she ever could. As a human here, I've just had to learn how to have a relationship with her in a different form, and I feel like I really have proof that my mom has stayed with me even after her passing, because last year I went to this meditation retreat. It was a week long retreat that my friend had invited me to, and things got a little weird. On the second day of a five day meditation retreat. They were talking about doing these group healings and I wasn't totally prepared for this group healing business. There were a lot of people who had came to this retreat, who were in wheelchairs, who had debilitating illnesses, and there was a lot of pressure put on this intense group healing event During that day. The leaders of the event had also shown us how to do this weird cerebral spinal fluid movement exercise that made people look like they were having either a seizure or an exorcism. So, anyways, things got really creepy In that night. We were in the middle of a two hour guided meditation and everything in the room felt really dark. Energetically. It felt like spirits were running all over the place and I remember feeling really creeped out during this meditation and then hearing a woman scream on the other side of the theater. I remember calling in my mom's energy because I didn't feel safe. I can't describe it other than I just didn't feel safe. And what that looked like was I was in meditation and I was like mom, come protect me right now, because she was the only energy I could think of, that I could really trust in that moment that I knew was all loving and all caring, and I imagined her sitting next to me and she was in her bathrobe like she was getting ready for bed, without her makeup on, and she had been a wardrobe consultant. So it was like a very real version of her, because she was always done up, looked beautiful, always wearing the best outfit and had her makeup done amazingly every single day. And I remember talking to her and saying like please sit here with me for a little bit, protect me, put your energy around me, because your energy is the only energy I trust right now. And I remember her talking to me and being like why do you always imagine me as if I'm going to bed without my makeup on, without looking nice? And I said because this is your most authentic self. So, anyways, I remember calling her in and feeling safe in that moment. And I remember afterwards talking to a woman who's been on the show before Dr Debbie. She's a clairvoyant in her, suggesting that I leave that meditation retreat because some really creepy things were going on and she could see those energies there. She also talked to me about how she had to remove my mom's energy from myself, in my aura or my space, and she's taught me that it's important to let go of the ones we love in a way, not to forget them, but to let go of their energy, because they continue to do work on the other side. They continue to evolve as a soul and if we have their energy in our space too long, we can get depressed and we won't understand why. I called my husband and I told him about what I had been experiencing, told him I was gonna leave, and I'll never forget. He was like ah, babe, male leader, group healings, you're in a cult. So Dr Debbie helped me remove that cult energy and help remove my mom's energy so that she could continue to do the work that she needs to do on the other side. And I love having Dr Debbie in my life because she gives me little check-ins about how my mom's doing and apparently she's doing really well up there. And so, as we're coming into the fall season, I wanna talk a little bit about Eastern medicine and how it relates to grief. In Eastern medicine, specifically Chinese medicine, every organ is paired with a season and every organ is associated with an emotion. The fall season is paired with the lungs and the lungs is associated with grief. And when we have grief in the lungs, it is thought of as like an inhale, that's a holding inhale. And how we remedy grief is to let go and think of letting go as the exhale. It's helpful when experiencing grief to do breathing work, because grief is a heavy emotion and when we're doing some intentional breathing work like Kundalini yoga or even doing a vigorous workout, it really helps lighten our body and lighten those feelings of grief. And now I wanna talk about how to have a healthy relationship with grief. I think it's healthy to feel the feelings and allow grief to wash over you, especially if there's tears involved. Those are cleansing and not to hold on to the grief, but let it flow over you and let it go. And letting go doesn't mean forgetting. Your loved one lives on in your memories and the memories of those who had a connection with them, and I view letting go as being a very similar action to acceptance. If you're missing someone close to you, try to understand the new connection you have with them, not that they're gone forever, but how you can have a new relationship with them. Like I talked about with my mom, she's on the other side but I still talk to her. I still have a connection with her, even when it's been hard to remember her. For example, when I was engaged and planning my wedding, I was really afraid to have the wedding because I didn't want her absence to be highlighted. But going through the process of getting married and calling in my substitute moms, which I have several of, and if you are missing someone, I highly recommend getting a substitute mom or dad if you don't have one in your life, because the connections you have are so important, especially in timescreef. And so my mother-in-law helped me pick out wedding dress. The moms in my life made me feel special. They threw me a bridal shower and the wedding experience planning the wedding ended up being a very healing event. Instead of highlighting the absence of my mom, I still definitely missed her and thought of her the day of. I remember talking to her in the morning and I did my own makeup and my own hair for the wedding and I was like all right, mom, I'm calling you in to help me do my hair and makeup, help me look good, and everything came out really well and I think that was her showing up in my life, just working through me, and I'm grateful for that connection with her, that I don't feel like I've lost her as much as just changed my relationship with her, and I feel like growing up, my mom taught me about life and her passing taught me about death, which sounds morbid or sounds sad, but it isn't in my perspective, because she taught me how valuable life is, how short it is, and it's really helped me to let the little things go and to appreciate each day way more than I used to. And I know sometimes when a loved one has passed on, there may be feelings of regret or feelings of resentment and if you're experiencing that, it's time to bring in a little bit of forgiveness. And forgiveness is not an overnight thing. In my perspective, it is a practice because sometimes, when working with forgiveness, we'll have times of peace where we feel an acceptance of the person in the situation, and other times we won't feel as much acceptance, and that's okay. It's a practice. Practice cultivating compassion for that person. If they hurt you, think about how they may be a wounded person or a sick person and they were just operating from that illness or from that wound. If you have regret or shame with a family member who's no longer here, write a letter to them and just get out all of the feelings you have. Be very candid and honest about how you've been hurt and what it's done. In my experience, when we write things down, it shifts our perspective and it allows an opening for a new perspective and it can also relieve a lot of the heavy emotions that you may be feeling, and if you ignore grief, it will come out in weird ways. Someone I love very much ignored their grief for several years and ended up presenting itself in a huge mental breakdown. That took this person a year to work through all of those feelings and repressed emotions, and so I highly recommend that, when grief shows up, that you do your best to sit with it. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's also a practice of feeling the feelings of grief and allowing yourself to slow down when grief presents itself, and I feel like people go two ways when they experience grief. Of course, there's a range. That's you. Which way resonates with you, and these coping mechanisms also show up during any challenges or hard times. Some people get stuck in the emotions and feel really heavy and stagnant and depressed. If that's you, spend time with close friends, go for walks, move your body in a way that feels good and be kind to yourself, write about your feelings to release them and check to see if you have any limiting beliefs. I talk about limiting beliefs in episode nine, and this is a process in which you break down thoughts, patterns or beliefs that you have that are blocking you from living the life you really want, and it's a simple process, but it's very powerful and effective. So go back and check out episode nine, if this would be helpful to you, and know that when you feel these heavy feelings, they're not going to last forever, especially if you go through the process of feeling them and letting them go, and if you're a busy body, which means you're subconsciously avoiding your feelings. Give yourself permission to slow down, cancel appointments for quote-unquote no good reason, because it's the perfectionist in us that say we have to keep going, we have to make it look good, we have to do X, y and Z for these people, otherwise I won't be myself or they won't like me or they won't understand. We have all of this inner critic talk when really our fight-or-flight mechanism, our subconscious, is just trying to keep us moving, to keep us safe, and this is a sustainable reaction. So I suggest you do the opposite Fedge on the couch, sleep in and dare to be unproductive. For some of us that's pretty scary, and when grief shows up in my life, I'm the busy body, and so if all of a sudden my calendar becomes packed and I'm paying way too much attention to what my husband's doing, then that is a red flag to me that I'm avoiding some emotions, and sometimes that emotion is grief. Also, I get really tired when I experience grief and I don't wake up with as much energy as I usually do. And that's assigned to me to slow down, and I like to look at the pain that we feel from loss as an indicator of how much we really cared about the person, how much they meant to us, and it's okay to feel that pain, to feel the grief, to sit with it, and grief will make you a more empathetic person, and every time that you slow down and feel the feelings, your heart will heal a little bit too. So thank you for sitting with me today or listening while you're driving or doing your workout, whatever it is that you're doing. Thank you for joining me today, and I'm here if you ever want to chat about any of the things we discussed on this podcast. My mission is to help people feel less alone in their pain, because I feel like when we believe we are the only ones suffering, it magnifies our pain so much. So you can find me on Facebook, instagram and you can sign up for a free 30-minute coaching session. I'll put all of these links in the show notes and you can find this information and more at MrsHardcom. That's M-R-S dot H-A-R-D dot com. So thanks for hanging with me today. I know we got a little heavy, but embrace the feelings of grief and consider what you can let go of during this fall season, this time of transition and change. Until next time, take care.